My dad could be secretly trafficking lady-slaves from Belarus or something. I don't know what he's been up to since I left home. Every time I call all he wants to talk about is golf. Really, dad? All you've been doing is playing golf? I find that hard to believe since you live in Minnesota and winter is 8 months…

Just how many names does this woman have and why does she need them all? I admit, that's a little crazy.

I wish I said this.

Once again I feel like a weird human being. I don't care about symmetry in a face. I don't find her particularly stunning or interesting. I look at her and my reaction is "meh, she's okay I guess." But thank you, science, for trying to tell me that on some mysterious genetic level I should find this person's face…

From now on my go-to phrase when I'm about to orgasm is going to be "I found Bigfoot!"

I can't possibly take any of these women seriously if they're badly dressed. /sarcasm

What if I ate my family? How would that affect my weight and mood?

I've always been bothered by the wording "world's most beautiful" when obviously they mean "entertainment's most beautiful." Really, People Magazine? The most beautiful woman in the WORLD? The entire WORLD? The whole planet and stuff? You scoured every continent to find the most beautiful people and they all…

We have five dogs so I was immediately perked up by the idea that picking up all of their poop would get me something. But then I realized that three of them are small and the other two are medium, so poop-wise it's more like having three dogs. Now I'm wondering how my husband has managed to wiggle out of poop duty…

BUT I LOVE BREAKFAST.

Most of the "bathing suits" these days are nothing but victoria's secret underwear for pools. Why shouldn't that make me feel like shit? A guy gets away with baggy shorts down to their knees, but I have to wear something that shows more skin than necessary. Why can't I have something that covers my upper thighs? …

You know what? I give up. I will now accept that my outer lady bits are, in fact, my vagina. There's no fighting it. Our vaginas are on the outside.

Only thin people deserve love, because if strangers don't want to fuck you then you're nothing. You should just kill yourself and make room for someone thin and beautiful.

So not only am I too poor to travel through Europe, but I'm also too old and too ugly to get prostitutey with a socially awkward rich guy.

Aw. Six weeks ago we adopted a puppy that was surrendered to our Humane Society because it didn't get along with the people's other two dogs. But he gets along just fine with ours, and has even become best friends with our cat. It's such a sad situation for Dusty, but hopefully he'll have a happy ending just like…

DAMN! You got me there.

I bet if babies were seen in public tearing the flesh from their mother's breasts and bathing giddily in blood everyone would be okay with that. Because violence is good, bare boobs are bad.

Still others are concerned that considering violence between same sex partners "domestic" will dilute the definition of "domestic."

"Your vagina is enormous. You are a sarlacc pit with legs. Timmy from Lassie fell in you and couldn't get out. Dogs never have to rescue their owners from Brazilian vaginas!"

I haven't read any of the Sookie Stackhouse books...but are you telling me that they aren't written like the Anita Blake series where it's all sex with a smattering of plot on the side?