I think people are seeing the Trump family and wondering what they would do instead of aiding and abetting. I told my father I’d have to axe his campaign.

So the documentary just ignores that time in 1994 when R. Kelly (then age 26-27) “married” Aaliyah (then age 15)????

“After being touched several times, she reportedly turned around and told Alexander to stop.”

Trump did say you had to be famous to get away with pussy grabbing, so the Presidential Pussy Grabbing Precedent (TM pending) does not apply in this case.

This is an unexpected outcome. Who could possibly have predicted that when the most infamous man in the world brags about sexually assaulting many women, defends others who do so, and elevates one of them to the Supreme Court, low-level slimes like this guy would decide the restraints are off.

It’s actually pathetic that my first thought was “I’m surprised this is the first time I’m hearing this excuse used.”

I simply can’t imagine having to live with Katy Perry every day. She just seems so extra extra that the drama would never stop. Good luck Orlando my one-time LOTR crush.

My mom told me that all the little girls in the musical Annie lost their voices, and if I went around the house singing songs from Annie all day long, I might lose mine too. There’s some truth to the whole “overstraining your voice can damage it” thing, but there I was as an adult watching Life After Tomorrow (the…

The ice cream truck that prowls the neighborhood on summer evenings is “the music truck with nothing in it.” I trained them to call it exactly that, purely for my own amusement. We’ll see how long that lasts.

I was served Eggs Benedict once as a kid, and I didn’t want to eat them because they were weird-looking, so my dad said “oh, you loved these when you were little! You ate them all the time!” So I happily ate my eggs benedict. Years later, I realized I had to have been like, 4 or 5 when he told me that so I very much…

If you don’t believe in Santa he doesn’t bring you any presents.

The best part of Calvin’s Dad’s answers is that Calvin’s Dad is a patent attorney—a lawyer with an engineering degree. Bill Watterson either stated it in an interview or it’s touched on in a strip at some point, but Calvin’s dad absolutely knows the answer to any of Calvin’s questions, he just prefers to make…

My mom had two memorable whoppers:

You know, you could have just told them that their friend’s parents just loved their children less and so were keeping them out of the house (morroring the ways the east and west coast react to each other’s application of summer camp). That way you wouldn’t have had to pay for the extra days.

My mother has passed down “if you lie your penis will fall off” my 6year now regularly tells her brother that (granted the kid has some tall tales ) . It’s hilarious 

“If it seems like I am picking and choosing the parts I like from this book here, it’s because I very much am.”

My parents told me we couldn’t get cable growing up because the workers hadn’t put cables on our side of the street yet. She said they ran out of cables. I didn’t think anything of it. In college we moved and we got cable at the new house. I was telling a friend “Yeah, I’m excited we’re getting cable, we couldn’t get…

My daughter went to preschool three full days each week. Some of her friends went five days (more for daycare than anything else). We didn’t want or need to pay for the extra days. We told her if she worked really hard, we’d let her go to kindergarten all five days. Everyone go to go to five day kindergarten. This lie…

Computer science is a branch of mathematics. It’s entirely possible to be reasonably competent in math, yet be completely clueless when it comes to broad social issues.