Step 3: Eventually get tired of owning a cat. This is at least true for me.

I was 100% Team Al when I watched Home Improvement.

Carroll O’Connor was HORRIFIED that people wrote positive fan letters to Archie Bunker.

If the trending pattern of stripping women of any reasonable health care the Party First Party has been on continues, I expect this winter we’ll get some really touching, heartwarming stories of how couples pulled over 600 miles from home to delivery a beautiful, healthy baby while on the shoulder of glorious Highway…

Finally, a reasonable explanation to give the people who ask why I keep a jar of peanut butter next to the toilet.

You forgot the subway tips!

I dunno about “never visit Times Square.”

He does not know the difference between fat and big.

I work at an academic library and did a professional development course with a bunch of public and academic librarians a couple of years ago. I could not BELIEVE the amount of stories they had that encompassed poop in some way (I only have one library poop story in comparison)

If I had the talent to write a TV series, I’d set it in an urban public library. You would not believe the shit that goes down there.

He’s a combination of Winston Churchill and a shady New York drag queen, which is the kind of leadership our world needs right now. He’s amazing.

He is the King of Dirty Looks. Can’t imagine where he gets it.

Excuse me, but Trump has unequivocally denied that he owns a bathrobe:

I don’t know, guys...I’m starting to think maybe we have a commander-in-chief with the temperament of a petulant child.

Poly Sci. Same shit, less reading.

In other words, you’re just better off dying in the blast.

#3: Get your second bedroom and enjoy it. Because something that leads to divorce way more often is being so exhausted that everything your spouse does is irritating.

Kevin Can Wait was the most successful new comedy on television last year,

The headline made him sound cute and whoever cited him like a killjoy. 2,000 bottles, though? That’s enough to make me a killjoy too. Take out a personal ad.

I used to think length mattered.