I assumed it was a German Shepherd when I read the headline. I will use this an excuse to post a picture of my beast. She would definitely protect me like Noah did, which is heartbreaking to even think about.

It was an honest mistake... she meant to call them thugs.

OMG THAT LITTLE FACE! He is so cute!

HEY EVERYBODY LOOK, A MAN IS SAYING IT SO YOU CAN BELIEVE IT NOW.

Surely one of the strangest items in communal millennial memory is Puppy Surprise, a fuzzy pink dog who came with some random number of puppies preloaded in her plush womb.

Don't mind me, I'm just choking to death on some gingerbread cookies, watching Kirk Cameron defend materialism in the name of one of the world historical figures most famous for renouncing it.

I have intentionally steered clear of much of this nonsense, but I have a serious question:

No it's all good. See I've been struggling with my diet recently, when the weather turns cold I just want to eat carbs. Totally cured, and if I miraculously regain my appetite I'll just watch this again. I'm going to loose so much weight.

We only tried that once. It didn't end well. We both needed a shower.

I love CBS in the morning. It's real shit and occasionally some nonsense. But, none of this reading tweets and interviewing Duggars.

Except kids can be little monkeys - seriously, the climbing and lock-breaking capabilities can be pretty mind blowing.

I always thought the photo chosen for the back cover was a bit intense for a children's book.

I like much of Silverstein's poetry—but The Giving Tree incites a rage stroke.

Why do I have a stupid job taking care of stupid college kids when I should have an awesome job towel-drying baby otters? Where did I go wrong?!?!

As a Chicagoan who is currently losing their shit over this otter pup, I have to share a recent story. I went to the Shed a few months ago, mainly in part to see the otters because of all the cuteness. Being adorable, my husband sneaked into the gift shop and bought me a stuffed otter (I'm 31 and this little guy is…

EMMET! Don't care if it's a girl. Emmet all the way.

OMFG, can you imagine how this guy feels every morning when he wakes up, knowing he's going to get to go to work to take care of such epic cuteness????

send Life Alert to my house right fucking now because I am dead

If you can't learn it at Harvard, though, then where? Yale?