Ureña own league! 

A lot of people don’t know this, but Alabama has beautiful“white sand beaches.”

stupefying vanity

Ironically, a Schnatter is what I take right after I eat anything from Papa John’s. 

He’s going to accidentally knock that over in 3 months and he’s gonna drop dead instantly.

^This is a deluxe take. Double pun, comment on a comment, Pun in the comment on a comment! Triple pun rainbow waterfall.

To top it all, I predict the Godfather will make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Wait, am I missing something? Why would this get him in hot water?

There’s no point in forming an opinion yet, until they taste the meal. This seems like it could go either full-on Rice or turn out to be a Reuben.

“YOU LIKE THAT?? I LIKE THAT!!” - Kirk, sitting at the grill, franticly shoveling seared Elk spleen into his mouth . A gasp is heard from the kitchen, where his family has gathered for safety. The dog is terrified.

I feel for Ryan Fitzpatrick who we all know is a smart guy with an IQ of 500 blah blah etc. By no means is Fitzy a great QB, but the fact that he has to sit behind Jameis, the “leader” of the team, and you know he can see right through the bullshit of arguably the dumbest QB on any team... that’s gotta be tough.

I’m having a hard time containing myself at work. This was too nice.

That guy got 4 months in jail plus 800 hours of community service at a burn center and 4 years of probation. All for being a fucking moron.

Poor Maria... I guess getting that ass WHIPPED for so long made her feel like the only way to get a W was to *puts on readers* tell the world that Serena cried in the locker room after losing a final...?

For me, it was World War II and then the West Memphis 3.

The blatant pandering is what gets me...

“Yea? Well, I just asked this deer and she told me to stay.”

What a royal cunt - and his wife is a real bitch too, but c’mon, Lucas! You can’t let a woman like that walk all over you and sling dick on you in your own home. Sadly, it sounds like she hasn’t had her back blown out since her sorority days, and she gets a few mint Juleps in her and goes batshit crazy on this poor…

“Joke’s on you!”

Always has been, always will be, the greatest baseball highlight of all time.