I starred this to get you to 69. You’re welcome.

That’s a shitload of downforce.

So glad Deadspin is doing a follow up on the “Lou Gehrig’s Tarzan Outfit” piece.

Ben, my tiny, tiny dude. “Just behind Brandon Jennings, and ahead of Jared Dudley” isn’t doing the work you think it’s doing.

Mark my words, it’s going to get real bad.

The Athletic comment section is entirely made up of people going “Great article! This is why I pay for the Athletic!”

I’m still angry that he’s being called “Old Man.” I understand that he’s relatively old compared to high level soccer players. And I understand that he somehow looks like Hank Hill’s father and son. And I understand that he looks like “Back to the Future 2 when they’re in 2015" version of Flea.

This reply is burfict.

Why would he realize something good was about to happen to an Oriole after the trade deadline?

I must have been on the cusp of a cycle or a no-hitter during my entire baseball career as a kid because none of my teammates ever spoke to me.

If he came out of a box, he’d be super over.

If it comes out weird when you play with yourself, you should consult a physician. Like, if it’s pink then that’s a sign of blood in the semen and you should see a doctor if it happens repeatedly.

“Sorry, that came out weird. What I meant to say was that I’m going to jerk off first and then pop Madden in. Better?”

“What?" -Kellen Winslow Jr.

Appealing? No.

Just imagine. A Blue Jay with the charisma of Roy Halladay and the level-headedness of Robbie Alomar. 

I really think that what the Jays are doing will be instructive to the rest of the league. Forget investing a ton of money in scouting and development. Just start paying a premium for genuine ex-big leaguer semen. Forget stud prospects, embrace stud fees. The Jays have clearly shown they can’t draft, sign or trade…

Man, hope that dude doesn’t run into Brian McCann anytime soon.

if shooting people in video games leads to mass shootings, *why are we still making it so easy for them to buy guns then???*