New York, New York: “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. If you can’t make it here, we will still give you a lot of money.”

Eli’s just upset these messages were intercepted, but really he shouldn’t be surprised.

This is the same shit Peyton did when he tried to sell his worn uniforms.

dating in New York as a 30-something executive in private equity

“His username paid homage to the 15th century Aztec ruler Moctezuma II,” SI helpfully notes.

Football is pretty stupid in a dozen ways, and is one of the largest industries in the world. I’d say we let these people do their thing.

I know a few entrants of BM’s entrants over the years and friends with even one of the few finishers. For ultrarunners, the more unique, the more dangerous, the more ridiculous and absurb it seems, the more fraternal the bond. It’s immediate, like when you travel abroad and meet someone from your hometown, except it’s…

This guy has yet to make it through 12 steps, let alone an entire staircase. 

Says someone who apparently has no children.

I’ve learned from camping that shits taken outside are twice as large. Its like a goldfish that grows to match its fishbowl

It’s honestly a miracle women touch us at all.

When my friend’s dad died, I went to the wake, which was where I learned something I never knew before. His dad was an identical twin. So, with no warning, I went into a room where dad was in the coffin, and walking around the room. Startling to say the least.

We’re all terrible, disgusting creatures.

Who is the former athlete?? Worst story ever. Also I bet that person wasn’t filming in landscape mode.

I always knew BIG SALSA was a bunch of cunts.

The world has a shitty surprise for you in your early 50s. Your kids are fully baked, you’re at your peak earning period, you have lots of vacation time. “Woo! Let’s take that trip to Europe, and then finally rebuild the Camaro!” And at that exact moment, your parents begin their breakdown, physically and/or…

“I DON’T DO FUNERALS UNLESS THEY CLOSE!”

What the fuck is up with male face pillow stains?

Can one take a creepshot of Adam LaRoche?

I work for a company that manufactures salsa. We very purposefully use a jar that is too small at the opening to fit a chip in so that you are forced to pour the jar out into a bowl thereby using more salsa and causing you to gorge yourself where you otherwise might have stopped. America!