Excuse me, but this is clearly a case for Castle and Beckett. Wait, they did a magic-shop one, complete with dead magician and his identical twin.

She casts a curse that turns me to stone. Well, only part of me, and not really a curse…

"Find the River" is an excellent closing track, but my favorite R.E.M. song is "Me in Honey" which closes out "Out of Time".

Stepmom, actually. And I'm sure many of the employees would remember Gloria, since she was married to their old boss while looking like Sofia Vergara, and figure it was family-related.

If a black guy who would be replaced by a white guy wasn't killed, then things should be fine on the assassination front.

Just put some glasses on. Or take them off. They'll never know it's you.

If women want to wear rubber dresses that hug their curves, I'm not going to stop them.

Apparently, white people having babies with other races is considered (long-term) white genocide. Let's all find hot POC and start hooking up.

Now riff on how his firefighter dad died during the 9/11 attacks…

I think Kate may actually be reading the SNL review comments here, about how conflicted some of us are over her sexy Kelly Conway impression. She really pulled out all the stops in that Fatal Attraction parody.

Pffft. I was into the A.V. Club before it was cool. The A.V. Club was never cool.

Romulans Republicans. They're so predictably treacherous.

*Calls the wife of a winner*

Read this in Gene Belcher's voice. It's fantastic.

Funny, Marcia Gay Harden can still turn me to stone. Well, part of me.

What an oddly specific length of time to masturbate.

I figured both. Businessman Bruce Wayne puts good products on the market so the normals will buy them, and Batman modifies them for his own crimefighting use. Easy enough for him; Batman's a scientist.

I DON'T KNOW YOU!!

Garak would hate Trump's lies because they're so simplistic and repeated far too often.

Hey hey, enough talk about what she got going on up top.