My mom would actually love for me to date an "aerobicized life saver", given the way she freaks out when I eat too fast at dinner. She knows the Heimlich, but no way in hell does she want to have to use it on her son.

If they can cast Dadarrio for breasts, Efron for abs, Rock for muscles galore, surely they could add Nina Dobrev for legs.

Yes, but it took him forever to die.

Insufficient Excellent religious education, I guess.

I was actually 12, and "Your Schwartz is as big as mine"is still pretty great.

All those names, and no Bark Norris?!?!

You mean 7/11 or casino? I may be a white guy, but I do work in a Native American casino, so I'm, like, 1/4 not-awful.

It's a grammar nerd! Math/science nerds, get him!

My favorite joke from the whole show: Ellen and Laurie go on vacation together. Ellen wants to do fun, casual things, but Laurie wants them to take in some culture. They fight, and Ellen snarks "Fine, I'll head down to the pool, and you can go visit the Museum of Pools".

We must make sure to use every part of Hitler.

We all know the lead in Kingsman was Colin Firth.

Man, the War on Drugs has been going on longer than I thought…

Did Stana just recently score that producer credit, or did I not notice before? I admit I only half-watch the show now, though I did focus a bit more on the Firefly reunion scenes.

Upvoted for excellent use of a Futurama quote. Oh, and all the wonderful honesty of your story.

Lifelong fan of Petty (and, by extension, Mike Campbell). But have never seen him live. Anyone know if he plans to tour in the near future? He'd come to my hometown, of course. He is our king.

Founded by Them? The Van Morrison-fronted band that made the classic garage rock song "Gloria"? Or the cult giant ant film from the '50s? And I have to admit, "Jew Julian…" is kind of cute. Except for the, you know, horrible tastelessness.

"(Trump's) bullying mean-spiritedness at the expense of “losers,” “clowns,” “slobs,” women he doesn’t find sexually attractive…"

The ocean is awesome and for winners. Chloe's for tools!

"How far into this crime-scene recreation did they get before she decided that?"

Replace Kristen Stewart with Ellen Page, and then we can talk.