Personally I find it odd that so far every single Miss Universe has come from Earth.

I’m the liar.

I love you.

Kristen Wiig is funny but she doesn’t get enough credit for her dramatic range.

I am nauseous thinking about all the hardcore wretched racists. I’m sheltered but I thought it was mostly Shitty Drunk Uncles and a small percentage of rednecks. They’re everywhere. Like roaches we caught in the night.

Even if he’s a liberal purposely sabotaging the GOP, he’s still fucking evil for riling up the 25 to 40 percent of hardcore racists in this country. People are getting hurt because of this pus filled sack of shit’s rhetoric.

aaaaand the groomsmen were sobbin, sobbin, sobbin....

Seven Bridesmaids for Four Brothers and Three Friends ends up being a less interesting musical.

lol this is so true. My elder brother got married recently, and we just received all the wedding photos of our family. My grandmother and I were looking through them, and she said, in all seriousness, that she has such a good looking family. I smiled, yes that’s nice, we had all cleaned up well and were dressed nicely…

I think most people eventually learn that their parents, particularly their mothers, are not the most objective source for such information. My mother thinks I’m so beautiful that she’s convinced I could have modeled (I’m 5’3”) or been a movie star. “You look like Natalie Portman, but prettier!” (Ed. note: No I…

She privately e-mailed the CIA Director’s AOL account to set up an arms trade with Iran to send weapons to Zombie Bin Laden to kill fetuses in Syria, which would’ve been able to defend themselves had Obama not taken away their guns.

He’s no cunt... he lacks depth and warmth.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

On the second day of Fall, no less!

Why? Because our lives are mundane drudgery and all of us want something, no matter how brief and stupid, that is magical and special to happen to us. No one gets an owl at age 11, no one follows a white rabbit down a hole. We sustain ourselves with fictions because reality is mostly an awful, cold place where you…

Obama should just call her up and tell her he doesn’t want to be lectured about his life choices, or whatever it is she said when she got knocked up this time.

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

Yep. Also this.

I basically babbled. Something along the lines of, “I’m so glad he has such an open minded and loving family, but I’m not a sex worker and I really only know him from the amazing stories my new coworkers tell me. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sure I would’ve loved him but maybe not that way but maybe that way…

I am going to keep this one short and sweet.