The movie is just such a vast improvement over the book, which consists of lots of wandering around and singing in the woods.

The supernova of charisma that is Jaden Smith will surely overwhelm any potential costars.

White Men Can't Jump

Like Ignatius J. Reilly, I just go to bellow at the degenerate abortions that pass for films these days.

We can, because it's played laughably straight in the movie and it's just indicative of shoddy world-building.

I can't wait for Jai Courtney to get caught with a prostitute so the headline of The New York Post can be "JAI HO!"

You're being very microaggressive. Please respect others' kins.

He'll only be replaced by another blandly handsome Australian.

Tell that to the weirdos who killed themselves after realizing they could never be Navi.

Just watch Ferngully instead. Except replace fairies with aliens, and lumber with "unobtainium."

But I don't know if I can wait three years to clear my bowels, James!

Nancy Grace is channeling Helen Lovejoy in her dogged insistence on thinking of the children.

I got hammered and played Monopoly with my friends the other night. I was totally bankrupt within the first hour and had to sit around for the rest of the game like a chump.

But I could have done more! This watch! This watch could have paid for better writers!

If you get offered the shit position, accept it. Then if you get offered the government position, tell the shit people to go fuck themselves.

Arguably Tom Waits' greatest song.

FARTY TOWELS

MARVEL at the coke spoon used by John Belushi!

Yes I'm sure it will be a safe, fruitful year for our planet, with no epidemics, government collapse, ethnoreligious violence, or environmental catastrophes to report.

Anyone? Richard Schiff? We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast a level 5 charm spell on me.