7. Do crystal meth
8. Take neighbors hostage

*Unzips pants, masturbates*

Ugh, I got sleep paralyzed (?) once and I thought I was being abducted by aliens or something. Completely horrifying.

When I was a little kid in first or second grade, I got sent to the principal's office for strategically leaving banana peels around the classroom. In my head, I thought I was sowing chaos but it turned out to just be a mess.

1. Buy gun
2. Shoot varmints
3. Eat varmints

Loose Fur - "Hey Chicken"
Kanye West - "The New Workout Plan"
Samon Kawamura - "Keep it Moving"
Toro Y Moi - "Drive South"
Beirut - "Brandenburg"

Hey guys! It's been kind of a while since I've posted regularly because I had this temp gig that forced me to do actual work. But now I'm underemployed, so I can once again spend all day on the AV Club! Huzzah!
*cries, sticks gun in mouth*

That was udderly charming

Yeah, I write songs too.

Mine was Sam Raimi's A Simple Plan. Highly disturbing experience for a 7-year-old.

Want to hear a poem I wrote?

But there are epic, three-part film series to be made!

Ah of course, that's a trick right out of the old "bad-guys-are-robots" book.

It's been said, but this was so goddamn great. The references to The Thing made me want to jump in the air.

James Franco is like a kid who's just learned how to play the recorder. It was kind of charming at first, but enough already.

No, Donny, these men are Dodgers, there's nothing to be afraid of.

And do you really think there will only be two more Sharknado movies in twenty years?

This will be an interesting historical relic in fifty years when The Big Bang Theory becomes self-aware and seizes control of our nuclear arsenal.

*eyes Bizarro Sacrelicious warily, continues sharpening pitchfork*

IT'S A FAN OF THE BIG BANG THEORY! GET HIM, BOYS!