Nah.

I’m pretty sure on the list of “Do Not Pass Go, Head Straight to Hospital” that they teach you in elementary school it goes:

Also? Giving birth on the way to the hospital implies, you know, that someone believed you and took you to the hospital.

You know, I really want to judge them for that, but then I go into my bathroom and am really fucking confused that the light switch isn’t where I think it should be, and I’ve lived in this house for months.

And also like he is ARGUABLY TERRIBLE at running his businesses.

Hey now, a decent Razr user can type faster than that AND without looking at what they’re typing.

Reasons it took him 12 minutes to Tweet what he just saw on tv: GO!

If you throw a crayon down there with him next time, it’s artistic enrichment. Not that that’s my morning routine or anything.

George is exactly the same age my father was when I was born. He functioned just fine, and wasn’t even a super-rich megastar.

Dude needs to go to Sephora. They have a little tool that will match your foundation to your skin perfectly.

Me too! I am caught off guard how relieved I am to hear she is recovering. I hope the rest of her recovery is smooth and swift.

The POTUS one retweets what he puts on his personal account. Which, I somehow find the icing on the insult cake. Like not only does he say dumb shit on twitter but then someone is like, “yes, we should definitely make sure to clarify that these statements are coming from the President of the United States.”

I can’t decide if the life has actually been sucked out if Mel Gibson, or if it just looks that way because he’s standing next to radiant Dev Patel.

Sometimes being a leader means recognizing when it’s time to back the fuck off because new people got this and it’s not about you.

Given their recent spike in subscriptions, I’m pretty sure they’re hoping he’ll keep libeling them some more.

I use data. Data that I can’t cite or produce. It’s secret data. Secret data is the best data. Everyone I pay to agree with me says so.

Good for the judge. Growing up Jewish, I always knew swastikas were a thing you just did not do, and I thought everyone knew that too. But I also clearly remember the trip my fifth or sixth grade class took to the Los Angeles holocaust museum. Kids came out of that different, especially the part that was just a tunnel…

Same. I saw the ad last night and went “well at least they’re confident we’ll all still be here in October.”

I was in a hearing once about naloxone, and a legislator asked if naloxone was safe to administer if you weren’t sure someone was overdosing. The doctor looked at the legislator and said (I’m paraphrasing) that he would give it to an infant without blinking, and that it brought people back from the dead. This drug is…

The twitter response to this was amazing to wake up to, though. Best morning Twitter perusal I’ve had in weeks.