Numerous studies have proved driving drunk and driving sober while texting are pretty much the same thing.

My wife has frozen out my sperm for years!!! Da-dum! I’lI be here all week! Actually, I’ll be in Rio swimming in their wonderful shit filled beaches and trying to avoid being kidnapped and having my organs harvested. That’s a lie. I’m lying. Take my liver, please! No seriously take it. I need a new one. Lots of drugs…

I’m sure Ivanka Trump has some excellent insight into this issue.

Great minds....

The Rio Olympics: Visit for the shit filled beaches, stay for the 15 days of Cipro drip in the ICU.

This is basically the Conservative version of Goop, only without the articles explaining what a healthy poo should look like.

Piece of shit rapist. Sorry, I got nothin else.

Yes

Random journalist: do you think it’s the logical time to drop out of the race? Sanders: New Coke was decent. Orange is a color and a fruit. Scrappy Doo? Never met him.

Women be shopping.

Much obliged.

Oxzams razor. The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

Stassa, certainly the freedom of information act is relevant here, right? This is public record. How in the world can they get away with this?

I drank the shit out of some Gatorade. Fun fact: Gatorade is primarily made from the saliva of fruit bats. It’s all about semantics and dexedrine. None of this is even remotely true. I’m just typing nonsense. Phoebe was by far the most compelling character on Friends.

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I went to the gym after work and they set up a private room for non Muslims to drink water.

Remember the feud I suggested? Well, I am three beers and a Xanax in and will fire the first Salvo: you are too nice and too smart. Your move gella.

Removed from what? Oh heaven forbid a Bishop is no longer a Bishop! Child rapists have suffered enough! You put on a good show there Francis. I feel for you, I really do. there is child fucking to be had.

My best friend and college roommate bumped into Ali at Laguardia in 1999 after walking accidentally through the door to a private hallway. Chris said he went to shake his hand but burst into uncontrollable tears and Ali reached out and held him. I am sobbing while writing this.

Fabulous and substantial write up Jia. Thank you. Taylor is performing a human service for which we should all be grateful

Misdemeanor assault? Someone versed in law who is much smarter than me please explain why this is not a felony charge Christ he could have killed her