Why don’t you take a moment to think about this callous and irrelevant remark?

*co²ugh* Don’t look at me, dude *co²ugh*

The water was “confused.”

Exactly. Given the state of Rio and its dirty water and broken dreams, there will probably be lots of plastic bags in the audience needing some encouragement.

““His eyes fixed,” said Hill, and attributed the fact that she was looking at his face to subsequently recognize that something was amiss.”

It’s actually true— the ambulance didn’t come equipped with a time machine to go back two weeks so his parents could take him to a doctor.

Look man, I can relate. It really comes down to whether I can let my kid play in traffic without being held reliable. And I’ll tell you, one time my kid fell out of the Apple tree and had her ulna sticking out through her forearm, I rubbed some dirt on it and had the barber set the bone. She screened a lot, but the…

The friend claims that while Leo and the woman were engaging in sexual intercourse, Leo “reached for his vaporizer and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, laid back and closed his eyes and signaled for her to keep going.” This was the same unverified story I’d heard so many months ago, but with additional details…

You may just have written the plot of Space Jam 2.

I’m just happy that the odds are getting better that I won’t have to go all the way to Rio to catch part of the Olympic experience.

It takes balls to stand up to one of Hollywood’s megastars.

It is a little too late for the Hawks to start getting defensive about Game 2.

“Pfft, I know a genuine Panaphonix when I see it. And look - there’s Magnetbox. And Sorny!”

It’s the best thing to wear while eating at Michael Alone.

I’d love to have some Uncle Martian shoes to wear with my Raybok sweats and Roy Bon sunglasses while I lounge on the couch and listen to music through my Boss stereo system.

One time at a bar after a Jets game I spilled a beer on someone's baby. The woman yelled at me and I just said that's what you get for having a baby in a bar.

I can’t believe no one this far has mentioned the fact that all the criticism has been directed at Chrissy, as though fathers are somehow automatically off the hook?

You wind up like my mom, unable to comprehend your grown children as adults and they’re either still sucking the metaphorical teat (one sibling) or break drastically with you and as a bonus are afraid of becoming parents bc of how fucked in the head you are (the other three)

None of the concern trolls seem to be upset that John left his nine days old to have a meal....