also works for:

“[weeps].”

Also, moscow mules are the worst mule drinks anyway. If you want to mix booze with ginger beer, why not use something with some flavour.

I think I look forward to this article every year with increasingly more anticipation than I do actual Christmas.

A guy named Mike who wants to “nuke the gays” will temporarily fill in while the head man is out of commission. Thank goodness this is only football and not any sort of consequential situation.

It’ll be less satisfying when they’re convinced to blame the Democrats for it, though. And I’m 99.9% confident that’s how it’ll go.

Glad I looked this up - thanks for the reference haha

Required link:

Greatest SNL skit of all time. OF ALL TIME!!

“The World Chess Federation (FIDE) announced that his abrupt exit could cost him 10 percent of his winnings, which could delay his anticipated move out of his mom’s basement by up to 6 months.”

Carlsen sat there for two interminable minutes before flapping his hands like a bird and storming off.

Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.

The trick is to injure and cauterize at the same time.

Learn how to bleed like a pro. Now lemme see those pictures of yer daughter at cheer leading camp.

Ditto. My go-to move on the diving board at the local pool. Never fails

“Our culture is filled with bars and strip clubs on every corner.”

** All three fans die of dehydration.

As a man, I have a great idea.
If women would like to be heard more in the workplace, when one woman makes a point, the other women in the room should reiterate the idea and credit the initial speaker.