Whenever the End Times come, we need to make sure we save Antonio Cromartie for re-population purposes.

This would be my life if I didn’t meet someone more attractive and cooler than me in my early 20s and then marry her.

Why do that? All they’re doing is loitering. The appropriate response is to make a wanking motion with your hand and get back to what you were doing.

Hearing about a couple named Candi and Jimbo getting divorced because they’re Seminoles but she slept with a Gator is the most Floridian story ever written.

I can hardly think of a couple I’d want to hang out with less than “Candi and Jimbo from Florida”.

Close.. From Michigan. Thanks for the new Coach for UM and the Lions win the other day, propelling us to a 6 and 9 season.

Tom Brady is the Tom Cruise of the NFL.

Sure, Bobroczkyi looks stiff out there. But you should see how ten minutes in bubbling hot water relaxes him.

Gee, Officer Kroenke, Kroenk you!

I’ll dunk when it’s worth 3.

My wife and I had been separated for, oh Jesus, I’m not sure how long. I had stayed back East while she took a job with some hotshot Japanese company in L.A. We decide we’re gonna give things one last chance before the divorce so I fly out there. Her company’s Christmas party is in progress when I arrive, so I head…

“ I peeked at 11.”

Nigel Tufnel nods knowingly...

American Girl Jon is a hero, and that other Mom can go fuck herself. Better to bail on that friendship now, and not waste the rest of elementary and middle school with her dud daughter.

It just doesn’t matter

I went to a sweatpants & Viagra party in college once.

Judging by the pictures alone, I’m interested. But how will I hide my erection?

Ben Carson can punt a football 500 yards.

That’s GREAT hustle!