I assume he gazed out of his patio doors, with a Cutty Sark on the rocks in one hand and a Salem in the other like the rest of the guys from the VFW.

Is she related to Colonel Sanders? Cause she knows how to cook up half baked shit in a bucket and serve it to the American people.

Supporting white supremacists = meh

Davies was characterized as aloof and having “no personal relationship with players.”

Born between 1995 and 2012, Generation Z is considered to be independent and competitive workers who want to write their own job description and work for organizations with similar social values. 

I’m currently taking a month off for fatness reasons. It’s great to feel so goddamn rested all the time but holy shit I am bored.

Seems dumb for a stadium named “Levi’s” not to have a section 501.

I hope the architecture firm they hired last year has heard of the goddamned sun.

“I called out the Kenyan/What they done to me ain’t right/But racism is cool again so I’m back on Monday Night.”

Could you talk more about how you’ve recruited and crafted this dogshit football team here?

The replies to this tweet are just hilarious:

They should just use this instead.

When you’re 17, you go to the clurrrrrb to get tipsay and the doorman doesn’t even card you because you look like you’re 42, that’s a Blake Bortles.

The commissioner’s office released the following statement: “If there’s a more impartial way to decide these things than with a Magic 8 Ball, then I’d love it if the judge would share.”

I know I’m an asshole, but isn’t the correct Spousal Strategy to never get yourself into this situation, by not marrying the kind of person who would want to make a Sushi Casserole in the first place?

Go Rockies

They should have just flipped the home dates for the series.

That’s what you came here to post? I assume it sounded much snarkier in your head before you actually typed it out.

It’s almost as if all these liberal glory boys don’t trust esteemed meteorologist/expired prescription receptacle Rush Limbaugh.

Dear lord I’m hanging on for dear life. WHAT COMES AFTER THE COMMA?