They’re “anonymous” because if we knew who they were it would be really embarrassing for them. The anonymity covers the fact that these are the nerds from high school that DIDN’T end up millionaire tech bros but are instead a decade deep into their Kroger bagging careers by day and terrorizing the internet by night.…

If this dude's name was Graham Wellington he wouldn't be getting fucked with.

Drunk at 11:00am on a Wednesday. 

Depends on the state. Some states have laws against use of gift cards for booze. 

The doctor prescribes them as your last meal before a colonoscopy. A very satisfying treat if you need to get things moving.

Destroying someone's long, drawn out take in one sentence should probably be on Megan's list of satisfying moments.

You’ve got MLK Day off, and it’s only 3 weeks away! If you don’t have it off, stand up to your boss on behalf of the whole staff and demand vacation day equality for you and your peers. You can have a dream about a 3-day weekend in mid-January.

If the guy becomes a “superstar”, Chelsea becomes America’s adopted club and they'll sell a lot of shirts. If he's even a top 50 player in the world by 2022, they've got a winning investment. 

The Lions are pulling out all the stops in a game where a victory only hurts them.

Said much more eloquently than usual, Mr. President. 

+1 rackin frackin hosstickle fifer

Maybe Bo will show up tonight, dressed in chains and dragging a first down marker, to talk to Jim about being the head coach in AA. He'll be followed by Anthony Carter, a drunk Gary Moeller, and Big Nut in a black shroud.

You created a burner account to hit him with this gem? KYS

The NCAA should pay their athlete's for their used goods.

Wikipedia is about say he is from planet Bezos. Also, in his “Personal Life” section, it’s going to say that he wishes to return home and touch butts with his wife.

I use to do that when I was a kid. I never left the house. Until my dog chewed my balls. I need to get another Nerf hoop.

“Dude I literally broke down in the gym crying”.

The Lions being named Ass Team of the Week is the “Jack Torrance showing up in that photo in the last scene of The Shining” moment for this weekly series.

I hate it when that happens.

“We have much to think about while we sit in the belly of the big metal bird as it takes us back to the city where the gods exhale". -Robin Lopez