Good thing spousal abusers are both unable to read the Internet or detect black dots on palms.

After breaking two crockpots and being frustrated that even my fancy All-Clad cooks too hot- I kept having to wake up in the middle of the night to start and stop the ‘warm’ cycle to keep it from slowcooking my food to jelly- I realized that my enameled Creuset dutch oven (wedding gift!) was perfect.

Someone who sells a motherfucking cheesesteak pizza with fucking crème fraîche on it- simultaneously the most lowest class and yet most pretentious thing I have ever heard of- should not be making fun of anybody.

I hope you all take the time to call both the author of the letter and the column assholes.

The worst thing? That this poor bastard has to work at all, and isn’t being cared for a by a single payer healthcare system. Bernie Sanders 2016.

God bless you.

He really isn’t very good at selfies, is he?

Me (growing exasperated but trying not to sound condescending): “Nothing else. You just pour the whiskey in a glass and hand it to me.”

I make a point of Googling restaurant searches with the modifier “-yelp.com” so that I don’t have to look at their bullshit. I don’t use their app, I don’t use their Eat24.com site- I avoid them at every turn.

This will be how their business dies- when everyone stops trusting them. It’s already well underway.

“For your own good, I’m afraid I’ll not be able to sell you that,” said the server, to the roaring cheers of the happy customers of Pinkham’s Bar and Grill.

Well, I thought SPD was Seattle Police department...

Couldn't even finish this. Too horrifying.

Fucking. Awesome.

I WILL LIVE FOREVER!

Probably the most wholesome thing Taco Bell has ever cooked up.

Wondering how those costumes approved with the reflective stripe- they have been impossible to shoot.

Yes. The close up scared the shit out of me for a second.

Maybe when someone has been locked in a basement their whole lives, you shouldn’t be taking Kimmy Schmidt to the sandwich shop first thing.

Fie! Fie!