quality reporting and all

my duvet cover is some ikea-ass 217 thread count bullshit. my sheets are like 800 thread count bed bath and beyond evil sorcery. don’t you dare suggest i sleep with that sandpaper texture nonsense up against my skin all night.

i always knew there was something wrong with that place. when your motel has to put ‘clean rooms’ on the marquee, you know you’re in trouble.

i’m not one to hate on kim generally, cuz she’s got her hustle and that’s her business, but that outfit is as extra as a newspaper about the teapot dome scandal

we could also add oklahoma and wisconsin, too, but that was intended as more of an e.g. than an i.e.

how anyone could call florida the worst state in a union that includes the likes of missouri and arizona is beyond me

my first thought was, “somewhere, a podiatrist has a raging erection and he has no idea why”

literal chills, though

that’s good sciencing and all but i still contend doland is a mutant

all the best art makes children cry

evolution is a slow, gradual process with a clear through-line of incremental changes based on what attributes best promote survival and reproduction of a species.

i’m a fan, but then i like all kinds of disturbing public art:

liiiike... maybe that skin tone is exactly what the camera captured, unaltered. but you know different kinds of lighting can make skin look some kind of a way, and you know that is not ms. washington’s normal, natural skin tone. hell, the pictures inside the damn rag are noticeably different. and do i detect a slight…

*sanders unfamiliar with a transit system in a city he doesn’t live in*

see, if his drag persona is a britney impersonator, then actually she’s probably the last person he should do for snatch game. the point of snatch game is not just to be funny, but to tell the person you’re impersonating about themselves. if he loves britney enough to spend his nights and weekends impersonating her, i…

i get it, ‘unnamed housemates’. dumping your fetus in the house trash and not taking it out is almost as bad as emptying out all the months-old leftovers from the back of the fridge into the trash and not taking it out. as a conscientious person, i always take all my discarded fetuses out to the dumpster. but a) she…

“these allegations are absolutely false!” he shrieked, while balls deep in a squealing hog. “it’s not cheating if it’s not a human!”

i am me.... a wombat.... the elusive marsupial

right, but at 6'2", i’m tall. this fabulous gentleman is in entirely another size category, not just in terms of height but size in general - shoulder width, bicep diameter, etc.