I, for one, welcome our new Hezbollah overlords.

Well, thanks to Trump, the US government is currently in complete chaos, its citizens possibly irreparably divided, and the country is despised by the rest of the world. Now IS the best time to attack us.

“BAH GAWD THATS OBAMAS MUSIC!!”

Out of an abundance of caution, though, I’m going to guess that Hezbollah is the president now.

“I’m going to guess that Hezbollah is the president now.”

Who wouldn't look stable next to Ben Ren and his tantrums.

I’m just gonna come out and say it, Elizabeth Warren’s problem is having the audacity of being a woman. That’s it, that’s really it.

Since this is obviously a made up story, in order to make it easier for everyone else to separate fact from fiction here, I’ve taken the liberty of going through the entire article and highlighting the things that are obviously make believe so readers coming after me can focus on the aspects of the article that may be…

It’s not quite Science Watch, but I’ll take it. 

Those are both pretty low hurdles to clear.

and I thought I only had to fear seafood!

First, consider this: scientists in China have begun to breed massive hogs.

Lord, I love the soft touch you have with handling these losers.  I don’t have your restraint.  I’d just joker their ass.

The cigar puff situation has to have the phrase “welcome to earth” at some point but otherwise your plan is flawless.

Do you go around wanting to smack cigarette smokers? Why does vaping get this treatment? It really just shows how shitty and vindictive amd violent a person you are. People like you make vapers look good in comparison.

I heard to use a spoon, not sure why, but it’s what my cousin does.

It is not really grape flavored.  It is really more sort of a purple flavor.

Dear Sarah,

Dear Salty,