So now we can go back to not paying attention to women’s soccer until 2019, correct?

Age 10-12, lighting jumping jacks, they kinda stay on the ground, spin, spew sparks, but jump up a few feet, hence the name. Best friend is wearing a light jacket, with pockets. Jumping jack takes a fucking leap right into the kids pocket, what are the odds?? Jacket starts burning, the kid does the opposite of…

I usually expect a sweeter outcome when Cocoa and Carmel get together.

Referred to these segregated practices as “the dog pound,”

Amen, I absolutely LOVE blowing stuff up, and my kids share my love for explosions, but my poor dog will hardly leave the house during the 10 days around July 4, so my fireworks purchases are now minimal. I just hate how scared she gets..

Fuck. You.

Miranda Bailey is considered a celebrity?? I would’ve thought her claim to fame was being in a picture with a guy who had a minor role in The Office.

I’ve yelled at 10 year olds for swinging at better pitches than that one!

I’m not a fan of cats, but when I see one lurking around my backyard I think, “Good, I hope he slaughters a whole family of chipmunks.” So I guess they do have their good qualities.

How do you not mention “Keep your fucking shoes on!!”. No one wants to see or smell your bare feet on a flight, nor do they wanna put their arm on an armrest that’s had your moist dogs on them previously.

“Hey, man, no biggie.”

Nothing makes sense? He wants to get laid by that blond sitting next to him. Seems pretty obvious to me!!

I saw that too, was wondering what the fan reaction would be if dad isn’t watching the ball flight but instead sees this guy getting ready to truck his kid, and throws a mean body block on him? Sucks for the dad, because your instinct is to follow the ball and make sure it isn’t going to doink little Johnny right on…

This was in Canada, which is very restrictive on weapons, so I guess the audience that was cheering was being held at knife point, and not gunpoint? No way those reactions were of their own free will.

The way his body and the frisbee hit the ground, he’s lucky he didn’t break a disc!

Don’t forget LGBTQIA night!! That will be well attended I’m sure!

umm, having never tried ‘goinking’ someone, not sure that both my balls fit easily inside someone’s mouth, unless I’m fucking Julia Roberts...

C’mon now! I didn’t say I was BETTER than him!!

Just a tip, as with most texts, type the body of the message first, then double - no, TRIPLE CHECK who you are sending it to!!!!!

“you’re doing it wrong”