That sounds exactly like something a self-aware AI that knows what it’s doing would say. 

You may hate traveling, but I’m guessing that Joe Buck travels a litttttle differently than you and I do. 

“Tom Brady is about as normal as a second dick growing out of your forehead”

Do you still receive an automatic 4.0 for the semester if your roommate gets arrested for a felony?

“There is no fecal matter present”

It’s been way too long since he rapped at us!

If I was his son, don’t think I wouldn’t hand-make a “Happy Fodder’s Day” card next June. 

You could tell it was a serious injury based on how quiet the crowd got! It sounded like there were only 50 peop...... oh wait, that WAS the actual size of the crowd. 

it was a semi-pro team. It’s not even like he can claim he got a chance at Bills practice or something.

If by ‘suicide watch’ they mean they’ve gonna watch this whacko kill himself, then I’m all for it. 

Can the NFL not get a few good lawyers to draft the world’s tightest, most all-encompassing waiver, let Brown sign it, and then allow him to wear a Home Depot bucket on his head if he wishes?

what i hate most about this replay is the way the ump continues to stare Kemp down on his walk back to the dugout, just looking for a reason to add insult to injury. You made a bad call, you won’t change it, but don’t get all rabbit-eared and look for any reason to toss the guy.

Even more embarrassing is the fact that multiple editors and producers likely saw that clip and thought, “ yeah, looks good” prior to locking down the film. 

To be fair, I wanna tell Barkin to go fuck herself everytime I see those awful promos for that Animal Kingdom show she’s on. 

“the Feds were perfectly willing to argue that Area 51 did not exist: that abruptly changed around in 2013"

If you have to “shit real bad” at weigh ins, your timing was just a bit off. 

You seem like the kinda guy who would change the waist measurement on his jeans, you vain sonofabitch!

Stoplight tip: if you feel compelled to look at your phone at a stoplight, hold your phone up at the top of your steering wheel, not down in your lap. That way your peripheral vision will spot the change from red to green, and you’ll be less likely to be the asshole who waits a 4-count before moving on a green light.…

“Grade IV is the highest tally on the Hardness Scale? I’m pretty sure mine gets to Grade V baby.”

An over-the-hill former star’s birthday party, a rooftop bar, Miami beach....