This was fantastic. Several actual LOLs. They should have had you do a couple of guest blogs over here while you were still at Gawker. Real missed opportunity, imo

I stepped on a stingray about 15 years ago. Fortunately, I was wading in about neck-deep water, so my feet were really wide apart. I stepped right on its body and felt it swing its stinger from side to side, but my other foot was too far away to get stung.

Amen. This is why I only go to baseball games in person, because I can ignore the game for like 90% of the time (and still catch all of the action) and just talk to my friends and socialize. And it doesn’t matter if they win or lose. Your team can lose 60 games and still have the best record in the league, so who…

but have a vested interest in not prosecuting them

I always liked Anderson Cooper. Now I have a full-on man crush. Gimme some sugar Anderson, I need a hug.

Serious question: if you’re European, why would you vacation in Qatar? Have you officially been everywhere? Sick of Rome and Paris and London and Madrid and fucking everywhere else? It’s not like their human rights record is a big secret or anything. I just don’t get it. It’s like the American kid that got arrested in…

I used to have a buddy that had some deaf friends so he watched TV with closed-captioning and it always adds some unexpected comedy to live broadcasts. No back spaces! Sometimes they’ll type something totally wrong and stop for a second or two and you just know they’re thinking “FUCK” but they can’t go back so they…

How many pairs of shoes do you wear on a regular basis? Shoes last significantly longer if you rotate them and don’t wear them on consecutive days.

I’ve known several people that died in a house fire. Three, actually, adults with the exact same story. All heavy drinkers that got drunk at home alone, started cooking something and passed out while it was cooking. They were all in the same immediate family, too. Bizarre. Needless to say, I’ve NEVER even been tempted…

My uncle died in an accident when I was really young so I guess as a coping mechanism my Dad started going to the cemetery pretty often and since I rode around with him that meant I started going pretty often. The family cemetery was pretty old and after we had been a few dozen times and kinda normalized the feeling…

It has to do with detachment from the historical consquences of the diseases in question.

I think he strikes out every time. In order to walk, that means he has to not swing at 4 pitches. So the pitcher throws 2 foul balls and then paints the corners looking for a called third strike on what he thinks is a ball.

Why does everybody think the foul-any-pitch guy walks every time? If you get a walk, that means you don’t swing four times. All the opposing pitcher has to do is throw you two heaters down the middle to get the first two foul balls and then nibble the corners hoping to get a called third strike when you don’t swing at…

This is all correct but you’re leaving out the trippiest part. Where does the wind come from? Short answer: the sun. When the sun warms the earth, the ground warms the air above it. Warm air expands, forming an area of high pressure. This high pressure air wants to move to an area where the pressure is lower and so…

False flag. I’m pretty sure Caitlyn Jenner said Ted Cruz was A-OK with the trans community, just like all the other republicans. Jeez, do some fact checking.

Not gonna do too much research on the AIP (might end up on a watch list!), but my shot in the dark guess is that the Republican party ‘doesn’t go far enough’. Like, “Protection of Life” means they’d give amnesty to the Planned Parenthood killers and not just outlaw abortion. “Marriage between a man and a woman” means…

The best part of that movie was when my 6 year old nephew called it Tipanic. Nice Freudian slip, kid.

Yeah the only thing preventing out-of-towners from thinking there are tons of knock off UPS stores is that all of the ‘package stores’ advertise beer, so if they stop in to investigate they’ll figure it out. I’ve learned to just stop and ask people what’s up, they usually have a good attitude about the weird local…

Man the south sure does have some funny liquor laws. Hell, the part of Georgia I’m from has a weird hangup on the word “liquor”. It MUST be illegal to have it on your sign or in your name or whatever because there aren’t any liquor stores down there... they’re all “package stores”. I had never given it a second…

I would think that performing/touring would be ideal for Kesha until her legal situation gets sorted out. She can do it without a producer and stay connected with her fans (and stay relevant) until she’s able to record a new album. Oh, and make some money. Seems like a win-win to me.