I once had a profoundly drunk German try to tell me a joke. It wasn't funny.

Surely that's THEIR fault, not his?

'kinja please help' is the most redundant phrase in the English language...

My motto is: 'If I bodge it, that fucker STAYS bodged'. Fixed is fixed, man.

BECAUSE DECORATED RACECAR IN A GIANT FUCKING HAT

I've had a green laser shone through the windows and bounced off the mirror opposite. Fuckin aye, it's bright. The scatter looked like a firework went off, but without the bang. I'm glad I wasn't looking out the window at the time.

I've had dickhead students shining them through my windows from the halls across the way. I'd lock the little shits up for that, never mind actual moving things made of metal travelling at speed. Wankers.

LALALALAAAA NOT LISTENIIIIINGGGG!!!

No. This film never. Actually. Happened. Okay?

I wouldn't drink that no matter how many drugs you put in it.

Dear god, why...

Well, if delicious & fancy food unfortunately makes you ill, at the very least you should get a day off work as a consolation prize.

Divide By Zero Error

Wait, is that an actual thing? Why has the rest of the world not nuked America yet just because of this?

The thrust of your argument vis a vis root-beer float is lost on me, due to the whole 'tasting like fucking Germolene' thing. Blech. If sassafrass is to be used for stuff, surely making MDMA out of it rather than nasty soda-pop is more useful?

Isn't there a picture of a bear with an intimate itching problem reserved for this very scenario?

Pffft. No room for Gen-Xers in Audi's Brave New Beards n Tats Future. Begone, with your politicised music and your5 DIY ethos! Fie! Fie, I say!

Sexy German cousin, who is waaaaayyyy hotter.

My guess is he took the Quattroporte in for an oil change and got a sense of what the repair bills would be like. Then this happened.

I shpend a proporshion of every day talking like that. Connery pronunshiashion ish good for the shoul, you know.