Oprah has done so much damage. It’s amazing that she’s still revered.

You could say that he is....

To help today’s increasingly selective audiences, I think all movies should indicate whether or not they’re “A Knives Out Mystery”. For example:

What I've heard about the Hadrian situation is that he was a bit too touchy-feely with young Antinous and that the boy's fatal fall into the Nile may have been due to a lover's quarrel with the Emperor, thus his extravagant grief and all the statues of the deceased.

“Are they going to say it’s inappropriate to stick your dick in a cup of pudding?” Well, there do seem to be issues regarding consent.

The legal team for the cockroaches, lice and bedbugs is currently putting together a defamation suit.

Cockroaches, lice, and bed bugs are my only friends

Cockroaches, lice, and bedbugs: We aren’t friends with this asshole.

Tucker Carlson is a treasonous bigot and is imminently punchable. I don’t need M&Ms to tell me that.

I’m hoping this Super Bowl ad is just Maya eating a bowl of M&Ms and telling Tucker Carlson to suck a fat one.

You like the taste of your own pee.

Beyonce has always been and always will be a capitalist. If you thought she cared about social justice issues, it’s only because it was part of her “brand” that could make her money. It was never, ever because she cared. Being a feminist and anti-racist are a means to a very wealthy end for her. 

Excellent. I am going to cherry pick out-of-context phrases from job performances and report cards and use them to populate my next resume:

The scientific threat of the apocalypse doesn’t scare me; MAGA, libertarian motherfuckers are more likely to bring about human extinction than a mushroom ever could.

“has intimated she made human alphabet soup three members of B2K.”

People pay to make their food worse?

Free.

It just dawned on me that Hilaria is her stepmom. Excuse me, madrastra.

Find the cheerleader’s agent, save the world!

Yeah, this is the most America story I’ve read in a while.