I’m just sitting on the crapper thinking about the three shells, that’s all. No further deep thoughts.

We are heading towards the Demolition Man reality, aren't we?

5 weeks from now: AMERICAN DOGS, all-puppy version of American Gods.

This still doesn’t answer the most important question: who the fuck are these people?

I’ll try to forgo the easy joke:

Now I want Yext to be the name of the real thing. 

I wonder if the articles will include ":: gestures broadly at surroundings::".

I base all my knowledge of Sheikh mating rituals on Liam Neeson movies, so my assumption is that they’d try to skew younger and less plastic?

This Onion piece just killed me dead:

Depends on the prenup, I guess. It probably looks ironclad but if Melania took it to a competent lawyer she would likely be informed that it’s actually so badly written that it won’t be enforceable.

I bet his 'just the tip' jokes killed.

Permanently banned. Let's send Jack a soggy oatmeal and raisin cookie. One raisin max.

“And, fuck Elaine Chao.”

Um....he fixes the cable?

Best answer i can think of: it doesn't matter what he does and I don't give a fuck as long as he fucks off.

Thank you for that picture. It brought me joy.

Let’s just use the Trump Rule: get a big enough mob and storm into Mar-A-Lago.

Florence + The Machine has a legit one too. 

Probably nothing from the administration coming in or Congress, but this bell doesn’t get un-rung. There will be a next time, and it’s not guaranteed that violence will not be countered with more violence next time.

“Which Paul brother would you impale with the other brother’s severed leg?”