too bad he didn’t have his brother the Undertaker come out to do a “tombstone piledriver” or a chokeslam to the lawyers from Northwestern University and the College Athletes Players Association. Or maybe a Last Ride powerbomb, the finishing move he debuted sometime around the mid 2000s as his career was winding down

this is the worst baby i’ve ever seen

hmm. i think they should be allowed to run.

“God dammit, this is gonna look terrible for me. If that kid had made the catch this would have been a great photo op. Instead, I look like an asshole. This couldn’t have gone worse.”

my fondest wish is that someone rapes the owner of the San Francisco 49ers with some kind of weapon or implement

“is it strategy”

where’s Mr. Baseball

Hah. This guy certainly won’t be hooping it up and slam dunking with superstars like LeBron James and the Shaq Daddy anytime soon

apologies to the Arizonans

Well, that’s another football season in the books. Nicely played everyone; congratulations to your champions Manchester City, and better luck next year to the rest of football’s finest, the Premier League.

yeah those teams aren’t fooling anyone

apologies to Michiganders

apologies to the Miami Floridians

I actually thought about that one for a while. I think they’d be the New Orleans Louisianans

“You can call me The Bull, or Yard Dick”

there’s probably a few where he’s the best, no need to be a dick

Same here. I would have done a Rocky IV reference like a fuckin’ hack

And how lame is that name? The Houston Texans? What’s next, the Cleveland Ohioans? The Baltimore Marylanders? The Chicago Illinoisians? The Buffalo New Yorkers? The New York New Yorkers? The Miami Floridians? The Seattle Washingtonians? The Washington D.C.ers? The Denver Coloradans? The Dallas Texans? The Green Bay…

Couple things to remember when you’re crafting a joke about this: Rihanna has been the victim of domestic abuse and Matt Barnes is an average to below-average basketball player. Try to work at least one of those in there

Who else would you beat up? They’re right there in the same locker room