I don't think "I detect an accent" and "I've always wanted to go there!" would work with 97% of the people I know, who have completely non-descript-newsreporter-worthy Midwest non-accents. And anybody who says "I've always wanted to go to Cincinnati" is clearly looking to rent an abandoned warehouse to murder women…

I grew up with and continue to use the MBTA. When I was about 17, I had a discussion with my mom and her friend about some subway creepers I had encountered that day. My mom' s friend, RIP MJR, gave me some great advice. She said, "There are two kinds of looks you can give a man, the fuck you look and the fuck me…

Caption on this photo:

Do any of us, really?

My child molester uncle liked to school my aunt on how perverted she was for enjoying Stephen King books. I have learned to give people who clutch pearls lots of side-eye.

#notallhazeleyedpeople!

with several of Hollywood's most awesome women: Amy Ryan, Naomi Watts, Andrea Riseborough, Zach Galifianakis, and Merritt Wever, among others.

"Why do women string men along and make men think they're interested instead of giving us an honest answer?"

"Why don't women just tell us when they're not interested????" -Reddit

Dude, if we live in a world where it is advantageous for a straight guy comedian to claim the label feminism—I don't care what the hell is motives are. That is a marker of progress.

But, honestly, in a world where Tosh.0 still has a show and comedy continues to be a male-dominated and sexist place, I think this is a…

because if we can't make fun of women, comedy ceases to exist?

Hillary, I needed this post today. Thank you.

God I love that movie. His character was the best, cause we all know that guy.

Well, that's it then. The last reason men are useful has effectively been grown in a lab. I might as well move myself to a deserted island somewhere to live out my days in isolated solitude. Call me if there's anyone left who needs me to open a jar or something.

I only diet for that Bear about to hibernate need the extra fat body. The diet consists of a healthy dose of whatever I want at the time and milkshakes, because my yard would not be complete without them.

Oh man, I am so familiar with that head conversation. The other day, I wanted to tell a woman that she was killing it, generally. Like, her hair was amazing, her outfit was on point, her makeup was fantastic, and everything about her was great - but in a way that suggested that she had spent some time on it, not in…

Hey everybody! Let's vote on the most horrible conspiracy theory of all time. This one's awful, and Obama's Kenyan birth certificate is racist as shit, and Holocaust deniers are no picnic, and blood libels get some kind of Horrible Conspiracy Theory Achievement Award, but I gotta give it to the Sandy Hook Truthers.…

Confirmation bias ain't just a river in Egypt.

I have a mixed-race son and as recently as last night (at my son's Cub Scouts pack meeting), a mother asked me if I could relay something to my own son's father. I told her, politely as I could, that "I am his father." She was horribly embarrassed/apologetic and we slid right past it. Considering that she puts such…

Man, fuck the haters, I'd STILL rock any and all of these boots.