Nope. Atom splitting or it's back to the mines for you! Uranium mines of course.

God, thank you. I could NOT think of that word.

But are you splitting atoms? Because apparently it is the 1950s and that is the only measure one's intelligence.

My brother and his wife have been going for some time to one of those Japanese grill restaurants (can't think of the type), where the everyone sits around the grill and the chef performs tricks while making your meal. They were there on their anniversary and another young couple was sitting at the same grill. …

Wow, you handled that really well. The woman was clearly distressed and rather than argue to no end, you reassured her that everything would be OK in her vocabulary. (I just re-read that and it sounded snarky, but I'm being sincere—sometimes people just need to know that everything will be OK. I'm guessing this…

I had a table literally bet on my ethnicity and tell me about it. I told them I didn't know, that my mama told me Elvis was my daddy, "so whatever he was."

I will sometimes feign outrage and gesture as if going to flip over the table, then order something else. There have even been one or two occasions where the item I specifically went in for is sold out and have left (politely—it certainly isn't the server's fault) because it's the only thing at that particular…

I usually ask anti-vaxxers if they are against using wheels, fire and public waste removal infrastructure because I do consider the discovery/innovation of vaccines to be right up with those others in overall benefit to humanity.

What they haven't told us is that they are actually quintuplets and they go through rotation so at least two of them are resting at any time.

My little (42-year old) brother went to a superhero themed birthday party for our (50-year old) brother as The Greatest American Hero. It quickly separated the over-35s from the unders. But oh how we over-35s laughed and laughed.

Back in my bohemian days (late 1980s) I lived in a squat in London. One of my flatmates' cousin was dating Jade Jagger and she came around a couple of times (I think she was still in whatever the English equivalent of high school is—she was really young). Well, there was a big kerfuffle one night when she was caught…

Yep, just because there is a guy you pay to help you rape someone, you're not off the hook for rape. Isn't hiring someone to murder someone else as criminal as actually pulling the trigger?

Hmmm. While I'm glad that they honored Marcia Wallace this way, your comment suggests another question: What do they do when/if a foreign voice actor who dubs the cartoon dies? The Simpson is broadcast around the world and each language version would have its own cast. If a foreign actor dies but the character…

Stupid sexy Flanders.

Please get your colon checked if you have not already done so. There is a high correlation between uterine and colon cancer (separate cancers, not metastasization). My mother had uterine cancer and put off dealing with obvious-in-retrospect colon cancer symptoms. She is fine now and about 18 years cancer-free, but…

You've got The Vapors? I was wondering what happened to them.

You call that a fuckwit? THIS is a fuckwit (that's supposed to be a Crocodile Dundee reference for the young'uns.)

A very good friend hung up on me on the afternoon of 9/11 (we both live in NYC) after checking in on me when I said, "I should look into what project management software they were using," as we were in the umpteenth week of delays because of stupid bullshit and my boss was asking for yet another project report. Part…

I had a stoner student when I was a grad student in the 1990s and taught public speaking. For his final speech, he wanted to argue that pot should be legalized. He was a bit surprised when I OK'd the speech (there was some university rule in effect about not demonstrating illegal behavior in speech class, I didn't…

I saw his taping of Inside the Actor's Studio and he was really low-key. I don't know if it made it to the final cut, the taping went on for over three hours, but he told the story of going through some stuff in his parents' attic and finding an Olympic medal (can't recall if it was gold or not). He asked his father…