“I’m certainly willing to release my urine as soon as it’s no longer being audited by the IRS.”

Trump will next criticize Clinton’s ill-fitting suits, her inexplicably orange skin, her tendency to loom over people, and her terrible comb-over. “I hear she just reaches out and grabs people by the pussy, is what I hear” reports Trump.

It is a stretch to say that, which is why nobody said it. Everyone knows the Atlantic is generally a highbrow center-left publication. You don’t have to say it’s ideologically biased, a claim not made here, in order to say “this particular Atlantic reporter did a really stupid article and should have been more of a…

Here’s the thing - Bill Clinton is a philanderer and potential douche bag, I’ll grant you that. But at least he presided over the country when the economy was good and he’s actually an acclaimed scholar. He’s legitimately smart and was good at his job.

Well, Hannity and Brietbart seem to have managed to dig up all of three for the entirety of the man’s political career, none of whom are willing to go on record and answer questions from any non-Hannity/Brietbart news source, whereas Trump’s had about 15 and counting now in the past 72 hours alone and responds by…

If Trump could destroy a political party like a racist, sexist, Islamophobic Mr. Magoo ambling around a construction site, imagine what he would have done to the country...

Triple eh.

“The hardest part about being an NBA player is usually his dick when he’s assaulting a woman...” - full quote, probably

I struggled with that but I think I got it:

Commerce has a way of making everybody chummy.

I imagine if Bryan had just straight up admitted to murder live on the show, Jimmy would have just continued to laugh and sway like a man who has never heard human speech before. Even as the entire studio falls silent, and Cranston’s face turns into pure lifeless granite, there would be Jimmy, laughing and swaying.

No, lots of people still think Fallon is a talentless hack.

Ugh, it was an awful flight. There was a baby crying, they ran out of V8, and this guy in a lumpy suit grabbed me by the pussy.

Who picks these Double Creatures anyway? There are other creatures than just cats and dogs.

It was the seediest place in the USA. Some will say Skid Row in LA others will suggest the Combat Zone in Boston, but nothing beats Times Square 1968-1993. Grindhouse movie theaters, Tad’s Steaks, no-name fast food joints and coffee shops, trinket shops and the most amazing, jaw-dropping peepshows. It was hard to…

6,935,000 Days of Cro Magnon

“Wtf I come her for [gossip], not [archaeology]. Stick to [celeb snark] pls.”

Rudy Giuliani is not a good mayor... He’s a good mayor ‘cause his city was bombed. I like mayors whose cities weren’t bombed, okay?

I think it was when he realized that he couldn’t mount a credible campaign against Bush in 2004, and by 2008, it was too late to try to parlay his “America’s Mayor”schtick into the Presidency. He’s been a bitter old crab ever since.

He is cheap. Even when he buys something expensive, he does it in the cheapest way possible. He’s buying expensive suits off the rack to be flashy, but he’s too cheap to have it tailored properly.