God, why do you have to call her a bitch? Why?

Welp.

What. The. Actual. FUCK.

Before I click, is this some kind of weird NSFW sexual fetish thing? I’m only asking because the article contains the phrases “furiously blow”, “hitting the back of someone’s throat”, and “Mark Shrayber”.

Blac Chyna’s son is named King Cairo? Oh, she is definitely a comic book villain.

Only Tatiana Maslany could pull that off.

I would. I also would watch Colbert Report during. I have. I’d do it again if the show wasn’t off the air.

You know girls like IPAs too right? I’m a girl and I love a lot of them. I’m pretty sure it’s not a dick swinging contest with me. (I get more man points for eating my steak rare and bloody as fuck than for drinking IPAs.)

Founders All Day IPA. It’s a session beer, so it’s balanced as not to obliterate your palate in the first few sips.

Hahaha, of course I wouldn’t...but...uh...but why do you ask? Did the beer say something about me? Not that I’m, you know, interest—OH GOD WHAT DID IT SAY DID IT ASK IF I’M SINGLE OH GOD I’M SO LONELY

Fuck Him Right In The Pabst

Bud Light only tastes like bad decisions and regret.

“I’d do it, but I’m mostly just in it for the sandwich.”

Not a dude, but I would give it my best shot or die choking to death. Break out the crappy sheets, ‘cause that sandwich has extra mustard!

I would totally fuck a Cantillon gueuze. Any lonely gueuze’s should come pay me a visit.

Still stuck in the idyllic “yummy phase” of childhood, are ya? Don’t worry, you’ll come around to these delicious hoppy messes we call the IPA and you’ll love it.

The only curiosity I have about KK? How will she deal with being 70. What was that Streep/Hawn movie? Death Becomes You?

Maybe he can pull a Tyler Perry and play all the Kardashians? I would watch the shit out of that movie!

I accept this award on behalf of bored underachievers everywhere. If you believe in yourself you too may one day stumble into mediocrity.

This image from Us Weekly makes it look like David Schwimmer is playing Kris. Can we start a petition to make this happen?