this kid has seen some shit, guys.

I am obsessed with The World’s Strongest Man and have always wanted to be overhead pressed by one of the competitors. And as a clear example that my life is fabulous and I will eventually get everything I dream of, I met one in a bar at a fucking air guitar competition of all things, and he pressed me overhead, and it…

But, in case he’s busy... here’s Terry Crews.

I want to smell what he’s cooking.

I kind of want the Rock to bench press me.

“Hi I am the Rock and I am going to make you fall even more in love with me, because it’s not enough that I am handsome with a chiseled bod, I am also the best human being.”

wait.

It’s only funny to make jokes about white girls when the writers of Jezebel are doing it, obviously.

Two people you curiously never see in the same place at the same time:

I had a menacing neighbour a few places back. I’m not sure what was going on with her, but she spent a lot of time crossing herself around me. She also... I don’t quite know how to explain this, but... I have bi-racial family members, but myself am white. However, this woman could often stand near my garden when I was…

Dependence seems like the kind of name that would lead to a shitty life. I thought these ye olde names were meant to be virtues? Like, Hope, Faith or whatever? What the hell good things comes from being called Dependence?? A need for a lot of attention? Inability to open your own jars of jam? Weird choice!

You forgot the part where she prayed to an undead Magic Man.

Afterward, when Olomua was speaking with investigators, she allegedly blamed the attack on her neighbors’ alleged sorcery, saying “they used witchcraft and magic to hurt her and her family over the past few months,” according to the report.

I don’t understand her response. If she really thought the lady was a witch, pissing her off seems like a bad idea.

That’s fuckin greasy.

“My mother is smart, cunning, and has a tenuous relationship with the truth. She is devoid of warmth but exceptionally quick witted. She instilled in me a deep seated belief in the power of being ruthlessly vengeful and always paying your debts. She can also drink you under the table, LOL.”