Bang him.

Want. And sure, we'll pretend it's for dress up.

You know, a friend who has been an incredible dog his whole life (he’s 50) got a Fleshlight as a gag gift from a friend. He fell IN LOVE with it. Says his whole life would have been different if he had one when he was younger. Maybe we should start a Fleshlight Fund for those PUA guys.

“I’m not attracted to women my age” — douche radar ping

Maybe you shoulda gotten yourself ready for a family at a bit younger age, sir, you ain’t no spring chicken.

I bet he has no ragrets.

Sloppy joes guys with shitty personalities always consider themselves a catch

He drinks budwesier out of a can, so you know he makes bad decisions.

I clicked through to the original article, and the letter writer says no one wore condoms. :(

It is not she failed to use a condom... women can’t use condoms. It is a man failed to use a condom. It is equally his problem for choosing not to use protection and getting a girl pregnant. He could have made that choice and he didn’t. We have got to stop blaming just women when they become pregnant. Birth control…

A Nice Guy™ who knows that women are banging 25 asshole dudes a night instead of him.

Squinting at the original column. I guess one reason I’m not an advice columnist is that I’d immediately tell her to get an abortion. You get an abortion, you get an abortion, everybody gets an abortion! [insert Oprah gif] First, abortion. Then, STD treatment. And finally an examination of one’s life and one’s choices.

No way this is real letter.

Incredible never-ending embarrassment averted when my date for the Valentine’s Dance in 9th grade ended up being SUCH a bitching dancer. Even the cheerleaders were charmed by him. It was my Dad.

CAN WE MODIFY THAT HASHTAG TO #BANALMEN AND MAKE IT A THING

I had a rough senior year of high school. My ~first love~ had broken up with me at the end of my junior year and I spent the summer sulking and dealing with unmedicated and thus unbridled bipolar disorder. I had alienated all of my old friends by the time school started again and in a desperate move to have people to…

My HS boyfriend’s Senior Prom, I was a junior. I wore a Jessica McClintock dress, very fashionable at the time. It was strapless black satin with a lined bodice, a semi-full skirt, and a bustle in the back. It was my first prom and we were madly in love, so I was really enjoying myself that night. Stretch limo, dinner…

Was dancing next to the prettiest girl in school, who had the loveliest waist-length blonde hair. She bends over, touches the floor, is doing her whole routine, I step left, trod on her hair in the dark of the gym, she goes to whip back up and is smacked straight onto the ground. Because I stood on her hair. It was…

I had a really terrible first dance.

OK mine’s not too mortifying, but I’ll share. My first dance was in 6th grade...