Years ago, when I first moved to LA, my friend and I were in a glacially slow elevator in a parking lot in Hollywood, when I realized the two kids in their early 20s sharing the elevator with us were A) loudly claiming to have multiple STDs and that they were on a dizzying cocktail of drugs and B) clearly doing so in…

Yes, my all time favorite Yelp review was for a now-closed strip club in downtown Portland. Basically, the guy bought a series of lap dances from a girl, went home to his girlfriend and promptly got dumped for smelling like pussy and stripper perfume.

Yes and "$200 for you sweetheart"

All the stars to the lady entrepreneur who out-trolled Mr. Shit-on-me.

Sure! It was a shag carpet.

Not a stretch. I know someone who left her husband when she had breast cancer because he did not help in any way. Actually, I think it was partly that, and partly the realization that life can be short and she didn't want to spend the rest of hers lashed to someone like that.

At a wedding, my now-fiancee gave me surprise quiche without telling me what it was (it was visually unrecognizable, for some reason). She was convinced I didn't actually hate it, I just thought I did. Ten seconds later, I spit it out into the trash can and said "what the hell WAS that" and now she damn well knows how…

Before I start, let me say I was a server for a decade, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for all service employees. But this story has become legendary in my family, so: Mr. Tigger and I moved for his job from the East Bay Area in CA to Austin, Texas. On our first date night after moving, we went out to…

I was like, "Safe ho use? WTF is safe ho use... oh."

I miss crack....

To be honest, If my fiance were to text me and say " Blah blah I am at a bar and Kit Harington (Jon Snow) is here." If she were to sleep with him that night, I would be ok with it. That means she somehow caught his eye and somehow beat out EVERY woman in that place. Its a once in a lifetime thing. This is also on the…

Oh cut the shit. You know everyone has those fun conversations and we all just go, "Ya, ok" dismissively because it's such pie in the sky crap but you know if your significant other went home with someone else then was like, "We had the list!" you wouldn't just say, "Good for you!" and be over it. It doesn't work…

are you trying to have sex with me?

My best pickup wasn't even mine. It was my kid's.

I would always go through the line of a particularly cute grocery clerk. One day, I heard him saying he got off work at 12:30 am. About 12:20, I went through his line with some beer and snacks. He said "What are you doing buying beer at midnight?" and I said "Inviting you over when you get off in 10 minutes." He came…

On my fathers 50th birthday we threw him a surprise party. All eight of my siblings made the trip to be there and one of my younger brothers brought his then girlfriend and her cousin tagged along. I immediately noticed her gracefulness but at the time was going through the realization that I had failed at my chosen…

This might not make sense to some Americans or Canadians, but it is a big deal for a English girl - specifically one from Manchester. It is my dirtiest, most shameful secret, and one that made even my husband look at me with disgust.

Oh man. This went from awesome to goddamn disaster really fast.

Once, I went over to this guy's house and brought beer because he wasn't 21 yet and a DVD of 28 Days Later and we sat on couches across the room from each other and I just thought at him real hard to make a move. Eventually, he was like "Hey, um, are you trying to have sex with me?" and I was like "WHAT IF I AM."

Newly single, I ran into this hot guy I was acquainted with at a bar after my band played a show. I was like "Hey, I know you. What's your name again?"

He told me his name and my next question was "Wanna go make out in your car?"