Trump might actually be going all-in on a theocracy.

It’s kind of impressive that Trump could pick someone who would be objectionable is almost every opposite way from him. I’ve known people who are like “Well, at least Trump isn’t terrible on abortion and gay rights” and then he picks Pence, who is truly awful on both. There’s almost a part of me that wants to…

Sounds more like he’s a citizen of the Republic of Gilead to me.

“People who know me well know I’m a pretty basic guy. I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order.”

“I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order,”

As a straight woman, I don't ever want to think about Trump and sex.

I'm stealing this.

I seriously can't handle Trumpence. Everything about it is funny.

FIN

So brilliant — just pitch perfect. NP and JSF can’t touch the wonderfulness of “skeletons of the sugar and booze we allow to slither down our throats to dull the ache that comes unannounced at a summer barbecue” and “Like your loving dog’s cyst, our corporeal existence will eventually be popped and our souls drained…

Bonus points for throwing in Nabkov and madelines.

I couldn’t love this piece more. Hilarious and amazing!

I didn’t know I wanted this until I had it. Thanks. Serious toddlers speaking Mandarin and men on the train eating gummy bears while adjusting their junk! Ha this is perfect and it seemed like loads of fun. Wish the Times would publish it too.

“Anyway, the point is I’m feeling vulnerable to attack.”

Someone please point me in the direction of a free-range, locally-sourced Etsy shop where I can have this crocheted onto a throw pillow?

I read this before clicking on the oatmeal enema link. They are spot on. I made it to his talk of Guinea pigs before I rushed back here to say this is awesome, and that I’m sad I wasted one of my 10 free articles at nytimes.com on this.

I still couldn’t finish these, but even in satire they were a fuck ton more interesting.

“Because the quotidian comings and goings of the smaller people of the world are what keep me from tearing my hair out as I Blog about how narco-capitalism and its intergenerational threat to artists are endlessly interesting to me.”

bra-fucking-vo

This is the guy who wanted to force women to have burials for their miscarriages. That is the only sentence about him anyone should need to hear.