This is a job for a lightly used Jeep Grand Cherokee. Looks and feels “professional” (even though I barely know what that’s supposed to mean) inside and out. Performs great in deep snow, and could totally (probably) stand up to a moose next time you’re vacationing in Grand Marais. It’s actually so much car for the…

I think Portia deserves a Kimoa kitten beret. Make it happen, Fernando.

“I uh, accidentally turned into a car. It’s a white Bugatti Veyron? Am I covered for that?”

I would 100% support this. With... 10 whole dollars.

“If you throw up in this car car again, I swear to god I will go to the stork and trade you in for another kid, myself.”

I don’t use this word often, but that car is adorable. I just want to pinch its little side mirror. I’d love to own one of those.

Or the farting. And now, she’s just leaving her brother in the dust to suffer.

Mmm. Yes. I would like one in dark brown, please. 

I agree with your point that maybe this is more of a dig against Carlin than with IndyCar. Carlin did not have a good car at Indianapolis. And, to your point, Chilton hasn’t had a good season, overall. There’s a lot more to look into here than just oval track safety.

Just because someone has learned to avoid publicizing their shitty attitudes doesn’t mean they’ve actually learned or grown or matured in any way.

...the Hyundai Tiburon, a car so cool, you could customize it and drive it on Need For Speed Underground.

I predict a copy+paste of the outcome of the Scion xB. Aimed at millennials. Ends up netting boomers.

Hmm... Brown, the color of shit... FIAT?

I’m the dude sitting to the right of the woman with a half-empty box of smokes who’s totally oblivious to the fact that if I smoked less, maybe I could afford a camera that actually works.

At a family gathering over the weekend, I told my sister that if I could, I’d really like to buy an early-90's Corvette. She rolled her eyes and said, “I mean, I guess. If you’re that desperate to just tell people you have a Corvette.”

Here, we have one Jason Torchinsky. A man who can spot the turn indicator of a Volkswagen Rabbit from three blocks away. And while things may be going well for this Pao Pilot, he’s about to embark on a journey of two Omnis. One, privileged to a life of perennial pampering. The other, its downtrodden counterpart from a…

To me, I can deal with cosmetic damage inside the car. But, I can’t really deal with cosmetic damage to the outside of the car. Is that vanity? Maybe. But I don’t really care. A dented quarter panel is annoying enough for me to fix it as soon as I can.

True, but only slightly. Recently, I was forced to drive around on a busted shock absorber until the dealership could order the part, and was very surprised with how dramatically it affect braking distance. Everybody tells you that it does, but I didn’t realize to what degree until it happened to me.

Rare.

Back when I was in grade school, we were taught how to sing both the Battle Hymn of the Republic and Dixie Land. We sang them both for our parents in one of those grade-school concerts.  I think we also sang Yankee Doodle, but, you know. Wrong war.