SEE THIS, CLAMS!
Any movie that trashes the pathetic Hubbard "religion" is automatically at the top of Xenu's "must-see" list. Note: Xenu's "must-see" list is not metaphorical. You WILL be forced to watch the film upon penalty of… well, that's not decided yet, but you may be ASSURED that it will be SUPREMELY,…

Bah!
All Xenu has to say is that he is NOT letting that Hubbardite follower near ANY of the Galactic Sexbot Fleet. But, Xenu may send a few paindroids to Teegeeack to give Cruise a good "checkup".

Harmless???? She will promote any and every half-baked "alternative medicine" snake-oil salesperson that she can get on her couch. The suffering she thus brings to Teegeeack is enough to earn her Xenu's endorsement!

The plan is working!
Hah! The Scientologists are being lured into Xenu's trap! Soon, they will have abandoned Hubbard for the vacuous feel-good claptrap promoted by this self-important anti-intellectual! Then, it is only a matter of time before the poison of Scientology is expunged from the galaxy forever!

Better that than Scientology!

Good job!
Thank you, New York clams, for removing the trailer of that filthy Scientologist to a less-convenient location. As a reward, the infestation of bedbugs currently infesting your city will be dialed back to merely "nauseating" levels.

Your Galactic Overlord at work. You think Bloomberg would have offended a "celebrity" like this if Xenu hadn't dispatched the paindroids?

Dear Galactic Citizen FLUTTERSHY:

Puny man-animal! Can't even invent his own sexbot!

The fuck?!?!?!?!?!
How on fucking Teegeeack have you pathetic clams let this guy get SO FUCKING POPULAR that he can demand this sort of trailer!?!?!?!

Bah! Italian??? Never! Although, Xenu must admit that he finds Silvio Berlusconi amusing.

Hah!
It's this sort of inability to call things what they are that makes your particular part of Teegeeack particularly prone to delicious suffering. If Disney just called the movie "I Wish I Hadn't Lost My Virginity to That Creep", the honesty might lead to something worthwhile. Fortunately for Xenu, so few of you…

Puny man-animals, wasting your time on this cretin! You could be working overtime so as to save up for your retirement, at which time you could use the savings to buy an RV and follow your favorite NASCAR drivers from race to race! Your lives would be unenturbulated, and you wouldn't even need any of that despicable…

So anyway, last week, I was talking to Thor about this new movie about him on Teegeeack. He says that it's nothing like actual Valhalla, and there's not nearly enough rape for a movie that involves Vikings. He thinks the royalty checks should be pretty good though. The stupid clams should lap it up. Wait a second,…

If you want to gauge the "taste" of your beloved America, just look at the so-called "celebrity culture" you have created! Which celebrity is in a drug-fueled death spiral today? Hah! You clams wouldn't know what to do with yourselves even if you DID achieve OT levels!

NO!!!
Will Smith's progeny ruling over Teegeeack??? THIS SHALL NOT BE!

He is perfectly normal… as with most of you clams on Teegeeack, he's been lulled into a stupor by the promises of "religion". He thinks he understands how the Universe works, but he has NO IDEA. Just like the rest of you smug dullards. You've ALL swallowed the Wall of Fire hook, line, and enturbulating sinker!

Interesting
Like most popular entertainment, Xenu imagines that this show will get some things right and some things wrong. "Irritatingly petty demands" does about sum up the average day for any overlord, whether of a planet or a galaxy. Although, Xenu doubts the ability of any miserable human to fully grasp the…

Xenu needs space-sluts
Fortunately, there is always a ready supply from the palace sluttery. Whether robotic or organic. Space-courtesans, sexbots, bimbotrons… ahh… it's a good life as Overlord.

Nothing to do here
It would appear that the film by the insufferable Mr. Smith is imploding all on its own. Nothing for Xenu to do but watch and gloat.