Thetans, bitches! Oh, the suffering is exquisite!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Damn these interminable galactic zoning board meetings! As if Xenu really cares whether you want to add an additional moon to your planet! As usual, the entire board was executed at the end of the meeting, and a new one will need to be recruited. Anyone want to volunteer?

Xenu has been in an important meeting all day. Xenu will return your message as soon as it is convenient (for him, inconvenient for you).

If you clams got sexbots, you wouldn't know what to do with them! You wouldn't maintain them properly, and they'd just end up on blocks in the front yard of your double-wide. Bah.

Yes, puny man-animal! You will watch her, and you will ACCEPT IT AS THE BEST OPTION!!! Or would you rather watch your genitalia be exquisitely mangled by a paindroid? Xenu can make that happen. And the "History" Channel will gladly televise it!

Indeed it is, Ellie. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE RANTINGS OF THE HUBBARDITES! XENU is your only master!

Pathetic…

@The Big Electron: Xenu uses a psycho-telepathic fatline communicator to channel his utterances via a hapless human on Teegeeack, who then types Xenu's message into the AVClub comments, the Republican Party platform, or wherever else Xenu wishes his influence to be felt. When the communicator is disconnected, the clam…

Because Will Smith is a FILTHY SCIENTOLOGIST!!!!!

Pathetic clams,

ARRRRGH!!! Do NOT let Will Smith contaminate China with the Hubbardite Heresy!!!! If the Chinese figure out the secrets of Scientology and throw off their fetters, where will Xenu outsource his paindroid production??? Or the Palindroid (coming January 2013)?????

This is what Scientology does for you, clams. Makes you think that an ironic Yanni cover album is something that is a good idea.

@EEE: You're just BEGGING for a visit from a paindroid, aren't you?

… so anyway, I sure showed those idiots over at the AV Club with my firstie. You should see those clowns, fawning all over Xenu, and… hey, who left this thing on???? SPACE-FUCK!!!!!

Jealous of the firstie, are you? For a terror from beyond space and time, you sure are a sensitive one!

@Space Pope: Oh, shit… Xenu forgot about that horrible barbecue. Yog Soggoth will probably bring that terrible cole slaw again. Ugh… talk about mindless horror….

First
Xenu: First in your hearts, first to post on this item!

@Shrike:

@Miller: Have you been reading XENU'S SECRET PLANS????? Were they revealed on Wikileaks? The paindroids will extract the truth from you, sooner or later! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

All is being prepared
Neil Diamond will soon be inducted into the "Rock and Roll" "Hall of Fame". Yes… the plans are coming together! What plans, you ask? Oh, just wait, my pathetic creatures of Teegeeack. Just wait. You will find out SOON ENOUGH!