No snark, Hannah Storm handles these unfortunate and unenviable reports with aplomb, striking just the right balance of professionalism and humanism.

The Four Rules

Bring back 500 days of Kristin.

I too peaked some time in the mid-80's so I can sympathize with Bears fans. Now pardon me, I have to finish ironing my linen aqua marine leisure jacket. Rolling up your sleeves sure does wrinkle it!

Is ESPN being run by The Producers?

Holy shit, look at this pussification of football take after a pre-season game is cancelled from this motherfucker.

Just what the world needs: more Candlebox covers.

“Why would there be confusion if he spoke English? Joining us in in studio to discuss is Emmitt Smith.”

Pete Rose can eat shit.

‘I love Jason Momoa and hope there’s a fun-filled Aquaman movie.’

I get it. Obviously you are referring to the unfortunate alignment of their jersey numbers.... 3 x 23 = 69.

...whose hurricane of destruction looked remarkably like the lightning storm evoked by the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster in the firstGhostbusters.

Can we hire this grounds crew for the Pro Bowl?

Give them a break, it has to be difficult to plan for a regularly scheduled, annual event.

Well, that about wraps up the case, then! Good work, detective!

That’s called “water polo”

You can always tell when swimmers beef. Just look for the bubbles.

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ so it died.” - Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a seven dollar pen because I’m always losing pens and I’m sick of not caring.” - Mitch Hedberg