"I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific." — Michael Caine [regarding Jaws: The Revenge]

It's not her fault the networks won't let her use her natural, wonderous, beautiful Scottish accent, an accent that makes birds sing when it's spoken. It's like taking away one of her superpowers

The Headline was too difficult for this old man. I thought it said Woman Hands Over IUD, Gets DUI.

It was her seventh DUI. I'm guessing she calls Popov "the good shit".

I will say Popov. This is definitely a decision made by a Popov drinker.

This is the reason why I find assholes like Alex Jones and his ilk so reprehensible. People that I actually thought were decent were saying it was a false flag operation. "Obama killed those kids to take our guns!" or claimed it didn't happen at all. I am okay with an asteroid killing us all now. Well, most…

Um, I'm grown and I was thinking I would rather fucking die than see my mom's lady bits with wee little me popping out.

I thought the gold standard, no pun intended, was Gilda Radner. Crap, I'm an old.

I don't remember the section in the constitution giving her the power to put together an armed force and invade a foreign country. Maybe I skipped that day in school. Or maybe she's the first lady and she doesn't actually have any power but has a metric shit ton of influence, which she is using. That's what it looks…

We've actually sent over several technical advisors to assist in the investigation- which I'm sure the original poster does not realize. Short of putting boots on the ground, I'm not sure there's much more that can be done.

If a "she-sized" steak isn't DOUBLE THE BIGGEST FILET MIGNON, they have no fucking idea what "she" eats. I don't go to a steakhouse for a modest meat medallion or a dainty beef brooch; I want a huge motherfucking piece of the best thing they've got. That's why I got dressed and left the house.

3. "How to Give Passive Aggressive Gifts for Christmas"

Callie, with all due respect, Step 1 to "How To Dance At A Rave" is obviously "Be high as fuck."

I'm calling it, "Western Worship of the Lunar Goddess: The Aging Giant Fades Away"

Thus the importance of having en pointe guard who can plié multiple roles.

I hated the NFL draft before it was cool to hate the NFL draft. Buy me a PBR.

There is nothing more insufferable than someone who goes out of their way to tell you how they don't watch TV.

I'm a huge football fan, but I can't for the life of me get excited about the NFL draft. The guys who "break down film" (no dipshit, you're just watching Youtube videos) and like to play fake Mel Kiper which means you're impersonating a fake scout to begin with drive me insane. It doesn't make sense to me that people…