Running makes me feel like I'm dying and I hate being sweaty, so I'm a swimmer, a fat swimmer, which my doctors have always been supportive of. When I swim, I get looks from the men (it's always men) whom I'm lapping, who just cannot believe I'm kicking their asses. Their stupid faces and attempts to beat me are a…

I love this! Good for you, Ikea! Behold, my rescued dog. A scruffy shelter ewok. Now I want more!

I have been to so many weddings this season that the only thing I need to do to get a blackout bingo is hit an aggressively themed courthouse elopement. If anyone here is planning to hit the courthouse done up like a Sith lord, help a sister out and send an invite?

I'm pretty sure the prize for blackout bingo on this…

Pretty much every substance I've ever used makes me want to get naked. But not in public. Well, mostly not.

As much as this story makes me cringe, I am deeply saddened at how lonely that woman must have felt that she needed to keep her mother's corpse to keep her company. She must have missed her so much.

Everybody at the Daily Mail is Rita Skeeter

I'm just going to assume they meant Most Eligible for Cheek Pinching and Tiny Finger Nomming.

Nicholas Cage and Earthlings.

No, it's not just you. That's creepy.

That line jumped out at me, too. It's kinda twisted, mindset-wise, really.

Nope! Let's not try to marry off the 1-year-old yet, please? I get the same feeling when people refer to kids under 8 as having "boyfriends" and "girlfriends." No, they have friends.

Themed birthday parties, bright colors, and cartoons will always be fun. Haters can go to their beige and rattan room and watch Andy Rooney 60 minutes.

In former Soviet Russia,

Maybe don't try to kill people that resist arrest, especially when they're mentally ill and/or intoxicated? Poor woman had no idea what was going on, and punching her in the head 15 times was completely unnecessary.

Get out of here with your attempted murder apologism.

It's so funny to me, that my clients whose parents are very wealthy are the ones who don't pay me in a timely way, but my working class families always, always pay on time. It's as if they understood the value of money to working people or something!

Casablanca. Team Paul Henreid.

Literally no where does it say what that is. How could they have googled it? I love LMGTFY but this is not a good use of it.

That has happened to me. For one brief, glorious minute in 2013 everyone knew that I had not only watched "HoT BoyZ Make Luv VERY Swet" but liked it enough that I wanted to share it with the world.

Love it! I'm missing The Fourth this year because I'm in Canada. But man, my first Canada Day in Ottawa was balls-to-the-wall fun! No weird divisions in rhetoric, even the War Museum was highly "peace weighted" with a whole section on peace keeping. There were no eagles... only beavertails!!!! And the Musical…

the couple yelled at the animal until it casually walked out of their residence.