This article needs not one but TWO memes!

Demon wings? Because that would be awesome.

Eyes: little to no capability to emit laser beams.

Watching the World Cup taught me it's ok to bite others

Once, at aquajogging, our instructor split us into two teams and had us play «water polo» for like 10 minutes and I got really aggressive.

Since I normally wouldn't give a squirt of piss about what either of these "celebrities" do, I need to preface this by saying that I only happened to hear this episode of Stern at the shop while my motorcycle was getting an oil change yesterday.

The cold dead stare of someone who would have killed those fucking bears.

Well, R. Kelly has never been known for his kindness to teenagers.

Don't come at this fool with sense, he's just baiting you. The most he knows about Africa probably comes from African Lion Safari commercials whilst Cheese Whiz drips on his camo overalls.

Now that is a story to tell your kids and grandkids over and over again

A Florida owl. What a surprise.

Owls, not scary, totally fascinating creatures. Moths... OH DEAR GOD WE'RE AT DEFCOM 4, TURN THE KEY!!!

If you live in an area with owls, try calling them while you're on your porch/balcony at night. It goes great with a bottle of wine. Just pucker your lips tightly and suck in a little bit to make the sound of a distressed rodent/mouse/rat. Keep looking up overhead as you sip your wine and very frequently you'll…

Seriously, I feel like a Disney princess when I help a hummingbird out of the house and expect to hear a swell of music and applause (even though I'm home alone).

Anyway the hummingbirds never stare at me like they're gonna rip my throat out, so this was way more impressive.

It's the "mostly" that gets me. Like, the letter writer expects one of the people who got this note to then see the writer eating something cooked (shocking!) and start yelling about what a hypocrite he/she is! The horror! It's almost as bad as being attacked by a war poodle!

I have found my people. I am home.

The rest of the note:

"Wow, I'm being hassled by a poodle."

John Mayer has a bang box that he brings out when with friends? How would that even be convenient? Does it have a handle? IS IT A CABOODLES?

I fucking love butter and coffee like a clown loves murdering people...this though is disgusting. And yes I have tried it.