Everyone knows Seth MacFarlane is not the poor man's Paul Rudd, he's a sentient swarm of hyper-alert bees cobbled together with a metal jaw and some human skin.

Here's a story about dolphins riding whales. I collect happy sea mammal stories for this very purpose. I AM THE HERO THE JEZEBEL COMMENTS NEED.

I think you need an internet break.

I think we all do.

Normally, I'd just dismiss a comment like this, but I'm responding because, sadly, even non-trolls often have very twisted views of "weird" or "gross" or "perverted" Japan, and I want everyone to see my response.

The Veiled Virgin, by Giovanni Strazza (marble)

Fixed!

Fuck off, fella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh.

I prefer the Aurora Boreanaz, and I wouldn't run so far away...

I prefer monocles, but we can always compromise.

They're just telling us it's being shutdown to throw us off the trail of the Illuminati Caliphate of Reptilian Rothchilds.

I welcome any future in which tri-corner hats and brass goggles are the height of fashion.

Typical weak-on-doomsday-devices liberals.

Meh, the song never bothered me anyway.

Why have there not been more eccentric headdresses at Cannes? That is what this event (and basically every event) needs.

You just made me cry. I hope you're happy.

FOR THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS.

No highway, thank god... Only samurai swords and poisonous candy.

That grandma bit is so true, isn't it? I button my cardigans a certain way, which is a bit of a strange way (never button the bottom 3 buttons. And on these shorter cardies and jackets, there aren't that many buttons, so you end up buttoning just one, to leave the last three unbuttoned.

And my friend asks me why I do…

For some reason, in my head Ellie Goulding is linked to Elliot Gould so whenever a photo of her appears on Jezebel I think, "she is lovely and looks nothing like her father, Elliot Gould." Then I remember they aren't related and I'm turning into my grandmother.