Ive found that using one of the parking apps in downtown Chicago can easily save you tons of money. Like 1/2 the price for the same spot in your hotel garage that they charge like 40-50 a night

Washington DC = Parking Tickets and Speed/Stop Sign camera traps

It’s bad enough that I usually won’t walk around the Loop without earbuds/headphones on.

In Metro Detroit, folks in polos go door-to-door with tablets and ask about your gas bill. They offer to tell you if you can save money by switching to their new gas service—all you have to do is show them a recent gas bill and they’ll look it up “in their system” on the tablet. OF COURSE you can save a TON of money…

I don’t like Kim, but I respect her for both this and her business savvy.

Not pictured: Drake’s tattoo of the entire roster of the 1956 Philadelphia Warriors

If that guy were the last man on Earth, I would buy a vibrator. 

Can’t see why letter writer No.1 is so alone with such charming views as “everyone else is beneath me” and “I’m not shallow, oh but they must be all these physical attributes”.

To the first guy.

Permission granted! ☆

I want to see a Cooke Maroney and a Cash Warren buddy cop movie titled "Cooke & Cash"

They are entitled

You weren’t in the friend zone.

There is no such thing as the friend zone

Sand? Is it sand?

Might I interest you in my all women, all redhead Ocean’s 11 heist thriller?  It would star Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain, Isla Fisher, Dallas Bryce Howard, Haley Bennett, Christina Hendricks, Karen Gillan, Emma Stone, Felicia Day, with Julianne Moore as the villain.  Music by Florence Welch.  I call it “Red Riding…

Renters occupied my house before I purchased it about six years ago, and under no obligation to keep the new owner (me) happy, they left the place a mess.

While cleaning the kitchen, I found a small ziplock bag with a half-smoked joint in it in the crisper, and a note:

Sammi girl, I love you, but how you gonna get engaged in flip flops. Don’t tell me you didn’t know, I know you read his phone.

God I dislike Khloe Kardashian so fucking much. Woman, you are THIRTY FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD. Take this mess off of Twitter and grow the fuck up. Also, this cracked me up.