Re: the last screenshot-

When she turned 117.

I am Tyler's passive-aggressive email.

I hope that poor boy was okay after his parents insisted on him eating that food even though it had gluten in it.

Counterpoint:

I was just talking to a friend about this.

Also, the mighty Cocksicle.

At this point, you could tell me that Taco Bell is coming out with anything and I would A) believe you and B) try to eat it as soon as possible.

Taco Bell is the best fast food.

This is my favourite because it involves an interpretive dance routine and a reference to boring blow jobs.

In tangentially related news, I saw a man today who was using chopsticks while driving.

She could probably teach a master class on guerilla pick-ups, I think it usually went like this...

Finally, some justice for the friends and family of Mr. Buttons. Gone, but not forgotten. Thank you. But how many ginger-people must die before I'm out of the greys?!

I was on a terrible date at the bar at the Carlyle Hotel in Manhattan, on the Upper East Side. Some of you may remember this from a previous Pissing Contest—this was the gentleman who was a "writer" that didn't read books because he didn't want to pollute the purity of his own thoughts. I was completely, totally DONE…

Also, one time I got a guy to go home with me by saying we could make a sleeping fort. We did, which he promptly passed out in.

Newly single, I ran into this hot guy I was acquainted with at a bar after my band played a show. I was like "Hey, I know you. What's your name again?"

He told me his name and my next question was "Wanna go make out in your car?"

*sips skinny whole-milk nonalcoholic Irish macchiato* from their monogrammed thermos

Nothing worse than linguinies that are picked too soon. Grilling them more won't even make them tender.

Growing Pains guest star Leonardo DiCaprio.