I know, right? It's not like I don't understand that welfare, unemployment, food stamps, maternity leave, and medicaid and everything else aren't really expensive. The problem is, assholes like this couldn't run on an anti-entitlement/ anti-big government platform if such things didn't exist. (I have the same gripe…

I'm sure he doesn't really give a fuck. I'm also not sure how assholes like this can square banning abortion with their absolute unwillingness to support programs that might help women (especially lower income, non-white, and single women) pay for raising said child once it's been born.

"I only looked at the Ark for, like, a second."

Nah. Kyle's a ginger.

I can't imagine anything untoward happening in America's wang.

Autocannibalism.

Man, I hope you're right.

Sleep with one eye open, because once she gets a taste for your flesh, there's no turning back.

We don't like to talk about it.

The brownies story reminds me of the time my mother used salt instead of sugar (because she got confused, and couldn't be bothered to taste a pinch first to make sure she wasn't going to screw up). The cake came out of the oven, and she said, "Hey, Theon, this cake looks really weird. Will you taste it to make sure?"

The New Yorker had a cartoon a few months ago where the caption was "I've only been gluten-free for two weeks, but I'm already really annoying."

Flappy Bird

She makes robots. That's pretty damned cool.

I like "hack-writer."

Cra-cra is what the pterodactyls say before they rip your eyes out.

No. Make it stop.

Gross. I can smell the rage sweat on him from here.

Better than the Simpsons themed "Dil-D'oh!"

Tom Bissell says that cocaine doesn't exaggerate personalities, it italicizes them. So you must make a mean sandwich any day of the week.

Drank so much I shit myself. Does that count?