We hope that Nelly will release Piazza and allow him to return to his family without incident.

I think Dan Snyder is happy with any news that doesn’t focus on the name of his franchise being a blatant racial slur.

I can see the InfoWars/Breitbart headlines now:

This story is so Boston Ben Affleck is already signed on to direct the movie adaptation.

He served as an analyst on NBA Countdown for five seasons but mostly said nothing of consequence, and his Perd Hapley-esque tweets are mocked league-wide.

Choose your holistic player-value metric of preference (VORP, WS/48, BPM, whatever) and it will tell you that he is among the worse guards playing starter-type minutes in the entire NBA.

Charges are pending against the 31-year-old Revis to include robbery, terroristic threats, conspiracy and aggravated assault.

I actually enjoy the Uncle Drew ads, but this sentence still made me mad. Brands cannot be happy to just create a unique, fun ad that doesn’t make me vomit; everything has to have its own universe like it’s somehow going to spin off into…

Once Kellyanne Conway insists the CSU administration still has “full confidence” in Eustachy, you’ll know he’s getting fired.

Has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe he’s just doing all of this shit to distract the media from reporting that he’s basically shaped like Grimace from McDonalds? He’s like “Oh, I look tubby in this tux - better ban Muslims!” or “These pants make my ass look huge, so I better make Ted Kaczynski head of the FAA!”

He lived one year for every pound Miguel Cabrera gained while on his team.

A slow clap for Nick Martin who, on this the 11th day of February in the 2017th year of our Lord, accomplished what many, nay all, sportswriters thought was impossible when he made a Nets vs. Heat game relevant.

Irvin then got into an argument with Willis, Springsteen and Campbell over who the best Bruce is before Bruce Lee’s ghost kicked them all in the nuts. 

“Get me Mel GIbson,” Steve Bannon tells a terrified intern after watching this flagrant display of amateur alt right torture porn. “He will be my Riefenstahl,” he whispers, his nose red and puffy like a cancerous testicle hanging off a cirrhotic liver.

+1 fisticuffs

Hmm, how about smushing your face against the microphone while telling a story about the family dog peeing on the rug?

Tebow’s only misstep was buying pre-made store-bought guac, which is frequently, though not at all universally, ass.

Roger Goodell won’t care about concussions, CTE and the like until a defensive lineman goes in for a sack on Brady, misses, runs into a teammate, and concusses himself. Then he’ll spend 3 years trying to prove that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick invented concussions to gain a competitive advantage.

But, but, but I thought the guy who lived in the gold-encrusted penthouse and ejacked out a bunch of Patrick Bateman cub scouts was going to watch out for the little guy.

I mean, people love to construct narrative.