Oh the humatiny

Fixed your Cardinals figure legend for you.

Peter Panic

Since the guy's reportedly under 18, the police are going to charge him as an ursa minor.

and entertained the crap out of Dustin Hoffman.

your punishment will be to read comments on a random ESPN story for 1 hour.

"Yes, on all counts."

You should have lurked a little longer.

That'll make those opposing batters think twice before homering into your bleachers.

Fenway Park = Wrigley Field East.

These aren't your dad's Sex Cruise Vikings.

I thought it was the Penn State police department that looked the other way when confronted by troublesome people, not the other way around.

Now the blimps rule the aisles at WalMart on their scooters.

No sweat, man. Your refund is in the mail.

If you're openly crying in the office your boss is absolutely correct to address it. And she's right that it is making you look ... not great.

This is it. The most privileged article ever published on Jezebel. You did it guys. WE did it.

If you can't beat 'em...

Holy shit, that's awful. And I hate to make this all about my fantasy team, but I'm really pissed off that I didn't start Patterson this week in my Total Piece of Shit pool.

(head explodes)

You've also just explained the Cubs fans outside of Chicago (leaving aside those who've moved elsewhere to die). Having WGN-AM blasting them over half the continent when there were basically no teams west of the Mississippi had something to do with that.